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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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New Jackie Robinson Movie Probably Has Scene Where People Yell Things And He’s Upset And Wants To Fight Back But Doesn’t

LOS ANGELES—In anticipation of the release today of 42, the new Jackie Robinson biopic, moviegoers speculated that the film about the first African-American to play major-league baseball in the modern era most likely includes a scene in which a bunch of people yell horrible racist things at him and he’s upset and wants to fight back but he doesn’t. “There’s probably this part where he walks into the stadium for the first time, and everyone’s shouting at him because he’s black and they don’t like that, and he wants to lash out, but then his friend grabs his arm and says, ‘Beat ’em on the field, Jackie,’ and so he just keeps walking,” said local man Clint Harrison, 36, who predicted that the movie might also include a scene in which Robinson wants to give up because everyone’s so mean to him, but then his strong-willed wife consoles him and tells him he needs to keep playing because it’s not just about him anymore. “And at the beginning, all the guys on his team aren’t sure if they like him, but then he plays really, really good and some of them start to like him, and after a while they win a bunch of games, and by the end everybody likes him. Yeah, just like that.” Harrison further conjectured that 42 is probably a bad movie.

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