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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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New Jersey Residents Avoid Rising Floodwater By Climbing To Top Of Chris Christie

EWING, NJ—Heeding the instructions of state officials and emergency personnel, thousands of New Jersey residents were able to escape Hurricane Sandy’s devastating floodwaters Monday by ascending to the crest of Gov. Chris Christie and riding out the storm atop the first-term Republican. “According to flyovers conducted this morning, several thousand citizens from Sandy Hook to Cape May—including almost the entire population of Atlantic City—followed our advice to climb up Mr. Christie’s legs and torso to reach the highest point of the governor,” said New Jersey emergency management director Rick Fuentes, noting that there were numerous food provisions located throughout the moderate Republican’s clothing that could be accessed by those currently stranded on him. “Thankfully, Gov. Christie has a strong, solidly built foundation and was easily able to withstand gusts of up to 90 miles per hour, as well as a fast-moving storm surge. So we ask the thousands of you still clinging to the governor to just hold tight—and don’t worry, because that thing’s not going anywhere.” Fuentes then stated that rescue boats and helicopters were being mobilized and urged the remaining citizens stuck atop Christie to be patient and avoid straying too close to his mouth.

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