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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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New Jersey Residents Avoid Rising Floodwater By Climbing To Top Of Chris Christie

EWING, NJ—Heeding the instructions of state officials and emergency personnel, thousands of New Jersey residents were able to escape Hurricane Sandy’s devastating floodwaters Monday by ascending to the crest of Gov. Chris Christie and riding out the storm atop the first-term Republican. “According to flyovers conducted this morning, several thousand citizens from Sandy Hook to Cape May—including almost the entire population of Atlantic City—followed our advice to climb up Mr. Christie’s legs and torso to reach the highest point of the governor,” said New Jersey emergency management director Rick Fuentes, noting that there were numerous food provisions located throughout the moderate Republican’s clothing that could be accessed by those currently stranded on him. “Thankfully, Gov. Christie has a strong, solidly built foundation and was easily able to withstand gusts of up to 90 miles per hour, as well as a fast-moving storm surge. So we ask the thousands of you still clinging to the governor to just hold tight—and don’t worry, because that thing’s not going anywhere.” Fuentes then stated that rescue boats and helicopters were being mobilized and urged the remaining citizens stuck atop Christie to be patient and avoid straying too close to his mouth.

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