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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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New Jersey Residents Avoid Rising Floodwater By Climbing To Top Of Chris Christie

EWING, NJ—Heeding the instructions of state officials and emergency personnel, thousands of New Jersey residents were able to escape Hurricane Sandy’s devastating floodwaters Monday by ascending to the crest of Gov. Chris Christie and riding out the storm atop the first-term Republican. “According to flyovers conducted this morning, several thousand citizens from Sandy Hook to Cape May—including almost the entire population of Atlantic City—followed our advice to climb up Mr. Christie’s legs and torso to reach the highest point of the governor,” said New Jersey emergency management director Rick Fuentes, noting that there were numerous food provisions located throughout the moderate Republican’s clothing that could be accessed by those currently stranded on him. “Thankfully, Gov. Christie has a strong, solidly built foundation and was easily able to withstand gusts of up to 90 miles per hour, as well as a fast-moving storm surge. So we ask the thousands of you still clinging to the governor to just hold tight—and don’t worry, because that thing’s not going anywhere.” Fuentes then stated that rescue boats and helicopters were being mobilized and urged the remaining citizens stuck atop Christie to be patient and avoid straying too close to his mouth.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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