adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Jersey Supreme Court Rules The Bastard Had It Coming

TRENTON, NJ—By a 6-1 decision Monday, the New Jersey Supreme Court overturned the murder conviction of Secaucus auto mechanic Joseph Delavecchia, ruling that the bastard he deep-sixed had it coming. "Why would you try something like that with another man's wife?" wrote Judge Frank Mancuso in his majority opinion. "I tell ya, [dead bastard] Vince[nt Pitti] got off lucky, getting knocked off so quick. I seen guys get a lot worse than two slugs to the gut for the kind of stunt he pulled." The bastard's family has vowed to appeal the decision, saying they are prepared to take it all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court if necessary, pally.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close