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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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New Job Posting On Craigslist Clearly For Secretary Of The Interior

WASHINGTON, DC—Despite the lack of denial or confirmation from the White House, a job posting in the "admin/office" section of the Washington Craigslist site strongly suggests the Cabinet–level post of Interior Secretary. "WANTED: TEAM PLAYER WILLING TO GO AGAINST THE TIDE—FAMILIARITY WITH NATIONAL PARKS A PLUS," read the listing. "Position involves interaction with lumber- and oil-company executives, Smokey Bear, President of United States of America, and may involve occasional outdoor work. Lotus Notes and WordPerfect a plus." In 2005, President Bush and Congress were criticized for hiring Jim Nicholson, the Secretary Of Veterans' Affairs, after it was revealed that Nicholson answered a classified advertisement in the back of Soldier Of Fortune magazine.

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