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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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New Law Requires Richard Gere To Personally Inform Residents When He Moves To New Neighborhood

SACRAMENTO, CA—Asserting that citizens have the right to know when the Golden Globe winner resides nearby, a newly enacted California statute dubbed “Richard’s Law” requires film actor Richard Gere to personally introduce himself to each member of the community upon moving to a new neighborhood. “Within five days of establishing residence, Mr. Gere himself shall visit all homes within a mile radius and clearly inform the occupants who he is and what major films he has starred in,” reads the legislation, which stipulates that Gere must leave a signed headshot at any residence in which the occupant does not answer the door in order to apprise them of his presence. “Mr. Gere must then give a detailed rundown of his career, listing the various awards he has received and providing a synopsis of any project on which he has appeared upon request by the resident. Furthermore, Mr. Gere’s full filmography shall also be printed on flyers and posted throughout the neighborhood.” A subsection of the law also reportedly funds the creation of an online database and map indicating where each and every cast member from An Officer And A Gentleman lives.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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