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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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New Law Requires Richard Gere To Personally Inform Residents When He Moves To New Neighborhood

SACRAMENTO, CA—Asserting that citizens have the right to know when the Golden Globe winner resides nearby, a newly enacted California statute dubbed “Richard’s Law” requires film actor Richard Gere to personally introduce himself to each member of the community upon moving to a new neighborhood. “Within five days of establishing residence, Mr. Gere himself shall visit all homes within a mile radius and clearly inform the occupants who he is and what major films he has starred in,” reads the legislation, which stipulates that Gere must leave a signed headshot at any residence in which the occupant does not answer the door in order to apprise them of his presence. “Mr. Gere must then give a detailed rundown of his career, listing the various awards he has received and providing a synopsis of any project on which he has appeared upon request by the resident. Furthermore, Mr. Gere’s full filmography shall also be printed on flyers and posted throughout the neighborhood.” A subsection of the law also reportedly funds the creation of an online database and map indicating where each and every cast member from An Officer And A Gentleman lives.

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