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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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New Law Requires Richard Gere To Personally Inform Residents When He Moves To New Neighborhood

SACRAMENTO, CA—Asserting that citizens have the right to know when the Golden Globe winner resides nearby, a newly enacted California statute dubbed “Richard’s Law” requires film actor Richard Gere to personally introduce himself to each member of the community upon moving to a new neighborhood. “Within five days of establishing residence, Mr. Gere himself shall visit all homes within a mile radius and clearly inform the occupants who he is and what major films he has starred in,” reads the legislation, which stipulates that Gere must leave a signed headshot at any residence in which the occupant does not answer the door in order to apprise them of his presence. “Mr. Gere must then give a detailed rundown of his career, listing the various awards he has received and providing a synopsis of any project on which he has appeared upon request by the resident. Furthermore, Mr. Gere’s full filmography shall also be printed on flyers and posted throughout the neighborhood.” A subsection of the law also reportedly funds the creation of an online database and map indicating where each and every cast member from An Officer And A Gentleman lives.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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