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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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New Law To Forgive Student Debt For College Graduates Once All Their Dreams Shattered

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide relief from the burden of high-interest monthly payments, a new law will forgive college graduates’ federal student loan debt once all their dreams have been shattered, sources confirmed Thursday. “Instead of spending decades weighed down by their loans, borrowers will now qualify to have those obligations wiped away the moment they completely abandon every aspiration they’ve ever had for their adult life,” said Department of Education spokesperson Jill Moore, adding that all outstanding loan principal and accumulated interest could be immediately discharged simply by logging onto the department’s website and confirming that no shred of hope for the future remained. “If you’ve given up completely because the post-graduate world has thwarted every attempt you’ve made to achieve even one of your professional goals, you should definitely consider this program.” Moore went on to say that the sooner borrowers threw away their dreams, the sooner they could take advantage of the new policy.

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