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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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New Law To Forgive Student Debt For College Graduates Once All Their Dreams Shattered

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide relief from the burden of high-interest monthly payments, a new law will forgive college graduates’ federal student loan debt once all their dreams have been shattered, sources confirmed Thursday. “Instead of spending decades weighed down by their loans, borrowers will now qualify to have those obligations wiped away the moment they completely abandon every aspiration they’ve ever had for their adult life,” said Department of Education spokesperson Jill Moore, adding that all outstanding loan principal and accumulated interest could be immediately discharged simply by logging onto the department’s website and confirming that no shred of hope for the future remained. “If you’ve given up completely because the post-graduate world has thwarted every attempt you’ve made to achieve even one of your professional goals, you should definitely consider this program.” Moore went on to say that the sooner borrowers threw away their dreams, the sooner they could take advantage of the new policy.

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