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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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New Law To Forgive Student Debt For College Graduates Once All Their Dreams Shattered

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide relief from the burden of high-interest monthly payments, a new law will forgive college graduates’ federal student loan debt once all their dreams have been shattered, sources confirmed Thursday. “Instead of spending decades weighed down by their loans, borrowers will now qualify to have those obligations wiped away the moment they completely abandon every aspiration they’ve ever had for their adult life,” said Department of Education spokesperson Jill Moore, adding that all outstanding loan principal and accumulated interest could be immediately discharged simply by logging onto the department’s website and confirming that no shred of hope for the future remained. “If you’ve given up completely because the post-graduate world has thwarted every attempt you’ve made to achieve even one of your professional goals, you should definitely consider this program.” Moore went on to say that the sooner borrowers threw away their dreams, the sooner they could take advantage of the new policy.

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