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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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New Leather-Bound Notebook To Really Unleash Area Woman's Creativity

ALAMO, CA—The purchase of a new leather-bound notebook is really going to help area woman Katherine Seigel realize her creative ambitions, the 34-year-old confirmed to reporters this week. “Maybe I will use it to write short stories in, or poems, or just whatever creative thoughts come into my brain,” said Seigel of the black rounded-corner notebook, which she purchased for $19.50 at a local bookstore. “I can carry it everywhere in my purse and then whenever I have an idea I’ll just take out my notebook and start writing in it. It’s going to be great!” At press time, the notebook was sitting in a desk drawer in Seigel’s apartment.

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