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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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New Legislation Would Shut Down U.S. Education System, Give Each American Student $3,000 To Start Own Small Business

WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as a simple and elegant solution to the nation's current employment and education crises, a bill introduced in Congress Monday would shutter U.S. schools and give each student $3,000 to start a small business. "Where our teachers have failed, we believe our markets can succeed," said bill co-sponsor Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), who told reporters the one-time expenditure on every American between the ages of 5 and 18 would force children to quickly develop the skills they need to survive in the free-enterprise system. "If a child has an idea for, say, a drywall-importing business or a firm that provides global outsourcing services, this plan lets that kid get started right away rather than bogging him down with years and years of expensive schooling." Supporters of the measure said it also incentivizes job creation by allowing former students to take out subsidized loans if they hire two or more out-of-work adults.

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