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New Legislation Would Shut Down U.S. Education System, Give Each American Student $3,000 To Start Own Small Business

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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New Legislation Would Shut Down U.S. Education System, Give Each American Student $3,000 To Start Own Small Business

WASHINGTON—In what is being hailed as a simple and elegant solution to the nation's current employment and education crises, a bill introduced in Congress Monday would shutter U.S. schools and give each student $3,000 to start a small business. "Where our teachers have failed, we believe our markets can succeed," said bill co-sponsor Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), who told reporters the one-time expenditure on every American between the ages of 5 and 18 would force children to quickly develop the skills they need to survive in the free-enterprise system. "If a child has an idea for, say, a drywall-importing business or a firm that provides global outsourcing services, this plan lets that kid get started right away rather than bogging him down with years and years of expensive schooling." Supporters of the measure said it also incentivizes job creation by allowing former students to take out subsidized loans if they hire two or more out-of-work adults.

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