adBlockCheck

New Lion Tamer Shocked By Vast Amount Of Paperwork

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New Lion Tamer Shocked By Vast Amount Of Paperwork

BARABOO, WI—Traveling circus performer Scott Mueller, who said he has dreamed of becoming a lion tamer since childhood, was dismayed Monday to discover that the most death-defying part of his new job is not putting his head into the mouths of ferocious animals, but the abundance of paperwork his profession requires.

"When you're a kid, you just assume it's all whips and chairs and keeping roaring jungle predators at bay," Mueller said. "But it's far less thrilling than it sounds. Do you have any idea how many forms are involved in transporting a federally controlled predator across state lines via train? And every county has a completely different set of health codes and what have you. Hell, just processing the immunization records alone takes me like six hours."

Mueller added that he sometimes wonders why he left the insurance business in the first place.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close