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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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New Madonna Album Hailed As Available For Purchase

LONDON—Pop superstar Madonna has once again wowed music critics and consumers alike with her latest offering, Hard Candy, an album that has garnered unanimous praise for the ease with which it can be exchanged for money. "Fans will find this record just as for sale as anything else in Madonna's wonderfully obtainable oeuvre," said NME staff writer Henry Carter, who also lauded individual tracks on Hard Candy as being available for 99 cents each on iTunes. "There's something here that anyone can pay for, whether they are longtime buyers of Madonna's albums or new to spending money on her music." Although Hard Candy has only been available for three weeks, its format of a two-channel 16-bit PCM encoding at a 44.1 kHz sampling rate per channel has already drawn comparisons to such classic CDs as the Beatles' Abbey Road and the Spin Doctors' Turn It Upside Down.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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