New Magic Word Discovered

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Vol 30 Issue 12

White House Blocks Seahawks Punt

SEATTLE—For the third time this year, the White House blocked a key fourth-down punt by Seattle Seahawks kicker Rick Tuten Sunday. "The Seahawks continue to present punts to me that are not in the best interest of the American people," Bill Clinton said, reiterating his 1992 election pledge to prevent any Seahawks punt attempts from becoming law. Congressman George Melcykski (R-WA) blasted Clinton, saying, "The Seahawks badly needed this victory, and that punt block was a crucial turning point." Health and Human Services Secretary Donna Shalala recovered the punt in Seattle's end zone for a touchdown.

Araa Kayboard Bustad

NAW YORK—In a turn of avants that slowad production of vital naws copy this waak, tha kayboard of a wall-known raportar's computar was found bustad in his nawspapar offica. Tha "A" kay, it was discovarad aftar a graat daal of loud swaaring, was mistakanly producing tha charactar "A." "I am vary upsat," tha raportar told raportars outsida his offica. Tha causa of tha bustad kayboard ramains undatarminad, but a sourca closa to tha raportar baliavas tha kayboard may hava baan poundad with undua forca during a spall of writar's block. "Ha probably just couldn't think of anything to writa about," tha sourca said.

Desperate Dole Promises Best Prom Ever

MONTGOMERY, AL—On a final swing through the South, presidential candidate Bob Dole promised that if elected, this spring's prom will be the best ever. "There will be just the right mixture of slow and fast songs—I'll see to that," the weary Republican droned loudly, his eyes red and widened with fatigue. "It will be a memory to last a lifetime. That's the Dole promise. And the band will be good. I heard them play at the Dew Drop Inn with some friends of mine and they were good." Secret Service agents moved in to take Dole off the stage before he could expound upon the prom promise. Dole spokesperson Tom Reid explained that Dole was "fucking insane" at the time.

Clinton Reelected By Wide Margin

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton was reelected president next Tuesday, defeating Republican challenger Bob Dole by several million votes. Among the states won by Clinton: New York, California, Texas, Maryland, Illinois and the critical state of Ohio, not to mention several dozen others. Dole captured Alaska.

Idea To See Mario Van Peebles Movie Occurs To No One

HOLLYWOOD—Tallies from the latest issue of The Hollywood Reporter indicate that the idea to see a Mario Van Peebles movie occurred to no one this week. According to the Reporter story, Terre Haute, IN, video store clerk Susan Heshmer had an idea to re-shelve several Mario Van Peebles movies, but she did not consider actually seeing one. She was merely re-organizing the action section of the Blockbuster Video store in which she works and had to handle the tapes Exterminator 2 and Posse. Solo, the Van Peebles vehicle in which he plays a futuristic android/soldier, is still showing in a handful of budget cinemas, yet has failed to entice any potential moviegoers. Entertainment insiders and statisticians speculate that the idea to see a Mario Van Peebles movie will probably not occur again until 2004, when Van Peebles himself will decide to watch Urban Crossfire.
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New Magic Word Discovered

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Spells and Incantations announced Monday the discovery of a new magical word. "Fringle-Stumpf," when spoken clearly by a person in the workplace, will cause that person's employer to become violently ill.

A boss experiences violent stomach pain following an employee's utterance of 'Fringle-Stumpf.' Countless CEOs have been hospitalized since the word's discovery, including Coca-Cola's Ted Loesser, whose skeletal structure is slowly dissolving due to an osteopathic ailment not yet identified by science.

"The word has been classified as a fourth-level hex," said Andrew Gottlieb, Assistant Warlock of the D.S.I., speaking for U.S. Spellmaster General Willard Henforth, who is currently on sick leave. "Anyone with sufficient runelore to activate its sinister powers can visit great woe upon the person whose signature appears on their paycheck."

Diseases ranging from scurvy to pneumonia to explosive diarrhea have afflicted test bosses at D.S.I. laboratories in Washington, while control bosses, to whom only gibberish was spoken, have suffered no more than a headache.

The new magic word is believed to be the greatest breakthrough in modern spell-casting since 1991's discovery that "Bosh-Hen-Grelob" will blind an unfaithful spouse. The most recent fourth-level hex to be discovered was 1994's "Ong-Mashar," a relatively minor discovery since it only rids the body of pinworms. It is believed, however, that an anticipated rise in pinworm-related boss illnessesmay greatly popularize "Ong-Mashar."

According to Gottlieb, he origins of the new word are as yet unclear. "It is wondered whether 'Fringle-Stumpf' was a Druidic curse, or perhaps the nameof an ancient disgruntled employee whose spirit haunts cruel bosses to this day. Then again, so long as it makes one's boss vomit blood copiously, who cares?"

As for its impact upon the modern workplace, a new golden age of benevolence on the part of bosses is predicted. "No boss will want to anger their employees now," said Craig Sundborne, assistant editor of American Magic Magazine. "Firings may remain the same, since a person who lays off an employee is technically no longer the 'boss' of the angry party, but for those employees remaining on the payroll, expect some serious restructuring."

No one is more thrilled by the discovery than America's employees. "I am Gruber, Lord of Wendy's," said fast-food worker Todd Gruber, speaking from his velvet-lined throne next to the hamburger grill. "I shall complete our customer's orders if and when it pleases me."

Gruber's employer, 61-year-old Jim Herbst, was not permitted to comment, as he was busy giving his employee a pedicure. Said Gruber, "I think I shall speak some magic words... although, if a strawberry margarita were filling my mouth I would be unable to do so." Herbst then shuffled out of the store, visibly dazed.

Dozens of corporate CEOs have been hospitalized since the discovery, which was circulating across the Internet less than two hours after its confirmation. Microsoft head Bill Gates is currently at University of Puget Sound Hospital receiving treatment for swine flu and four other diseases, while Coca-Cola chief Ted Loesser's skeletal structure is slowly dissolving due to an osteopathic ailment not yet identified by science.

"Fringle-Stumpf" is scheduled to be scribed into the National Grimioreon Wednesday at midnight by a robed magi using a quill pen dipped in virgin's blood. All loyal servants of the Unnameable Dark One are invited to attend.

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