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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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New Memoir Reveals Navy SEAL Bounced A Few Book Ideas Off Bin Laden Before Killing Him

WASHINGTON—An early leak of the upcoming memoir documenting the raid that killed Osama bin Laden reveals the Navy SEAL who penned the in-depth account bounced several book ideas off the terrorist before shooting and killing him. “I was thinking the book could start with a little background on each member of SEAL Team Six before getting into the raid, but maybe it would be better if it started with all of us riding the helicopter to the compound—just to whet the readers’ appetites a little, you know?” the Navy SEAL, writing under the pseudonym Mark Owen, reportedly said while pointing a gun at bin Laden and encouraging him to “feel free to throw in any title suggestions [he] may have.” “And I was thinking there could be a quick profile to fill in your backstory a bit, so if you wouldn’t mind sharing a few interesting facts or anecdotes that haven’t already been covered in other books, that’d be great.” Prior to having his head blown off, bin Laden is said to have suggested a “pretty neat” technique of jumping back and forth in time between the SEAL team’s training and the actual mission.

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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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