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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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New Memoir Reveals Navy SEAL Bounced A Few Book Ideas Off Bin Laden Before Killing Him

WASHINGTON—An early leak of the upcoming memoir documenting the raid that killed Osama bin Laden reveals the Navy SEAL who penned the in-depth account bounced several book ideas off the terrorist before shooting and killing him. “I was thinking the book could start with a little background on each member of SEAL Team Six before getting into the raid, but maybe it would be better if it started with all of us riding the helicopter to the compound—just to whet the readers’ appetites a little, you know?” the Navy SEAL, writing under the pseudonym Mark Owen, reportedly said while pointing a gun at bin Laden and encouraging him to “feel free to throw in any title suggestions [he] may have.” “And I was thinking there could be a quick profile to fill in your backstory a bit, so if you wouldn’t mind sharing a few interesting facts or anecdotes that haven’t already been covered in other books, that’d be great.” Prior to having his head blown off, bin Laden is said to have suggested a “pretty neat” technique of jumping back and forth in time between the SEAL team’s training and the actual mission.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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