adBlockCheck

New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man

KIRKWOOD, MO—Len Stavros, 46, is a whole new man since he began dating new mistress Amanda Broder, sources reported Tuesday.

Stavros with his supportive, nurturing mistress.

"I can't tell you how good Amanda has been for him," friend Robert Risser said. "He's completely changed. He's calmer, friendlier, and just generally more positive about life. I haven't even heard him bitch about his wife in, like, three weeks, and that used to be a daily ritual."

Added Risser: "I haven't seen Len this happy since he was sleeping with that optometrist a few years ago."

Coworkers have noticed a marked improvement in Stavros' mood since he began seeing Broder on the side in August.

"For the last two months, Len has been in unusually high spirits," said Georgia McGlothen, who works with Stavros in the accounting department of Allied Plastics. "I used to dread going to his office for something, because you never knew if you were going to get Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. But, lately, he's been nothing but smiles. I really hope they secretly stay together."

Those close to Stavros say he's even been taking better care of himself.

"For a while there, Len was letting himself go a bit," Risser said. "But last week, my wife asked me if he'd lost weight. When I asked him about it, he said he's been eating better and running two miles every morning before work. He's even hinted at becoming a vegetarian like Amanda, but he's afraid [his wife] Mary might get suspicious."

According to McGlothen, Stavros has been putting more care into his personal appearance ever since meeting Broder.

"Len's definitely been dressing better lately," McGlothen said. "I always tease him on the days he looks especially nice, because I know he's got a 'lunch meeting' with a special somebody. You should see him blush—it's the most adorable thing in the world."

Friends also admire the way Broder is able to keep Stavros in line.

"Len can sometimes be a little inappropriate in social situations, and Mary always puts up with it," Risser said. "Not Amanda. I was at dinner with them recently, and when Len started to recommend a dermatologist to the waiter, who had a little acne, she hit him really hard on the arm. He didn't even finish his sentence. Len needs somebody who'll call him on stuff like that."

Even those who are unaware of Stavros' extramarital affair have noticed a difference in his demeanor.

"Len's been a real joy to be around lately," wife Mary said. "He used to just mope around the house, watching football in his underwear and stuff, but these days, he's a dynamo of activity. He's even started playing racquetball at the gym every Thursday night. I'm not sure what the change is, but whatever he's doing, he should keep it up."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close