adBlockCheck

New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man

Top Headlines

Local

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man

KIRKWOOD, MO—Len Stavros, 46, is a whole new man since he began dating new mistress Amanda Broder, sources reported Tuesday.

Stavros with his supportive, nurturing mistress.

"I can't tell you how good Amanda has been for him," friend Robert Risser said. "He's completely changed. He's calmer, friendlier, and just generally more positive about life. I haven't even heard him bitch about his wife in, like, three weeks, and that used to be a daily ritual."

Added Risser: "I haven't seen Len this happy since he was sleeping with that optometrist a few years ago."

Coworkers have noticed a marked improvement in Stavros' mood since he began seeing Broder on the side in August.

"For the last two months, Len has been in unusually high spirits," said Georgia McGlothen, who works with Stavros in the accounting department of Allied Plastics. "I used to dread going to his office for something, because you never knew if you were going to get Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. But, lately, he's been nothing but smiles. I really hope they secretly stay together."

Those close to Stavros say he's even been taking better care of himself.

"For a while there, Len was letting himself go a bit," Risser said. "But last week, my wife asked me if he'd lost weight. When I asked him about it, he said he's been eating better and running two miles every morning before work. He's even hinted at becoming a vegetarian like Amanda, but he's afraid [his wife] Mary might get suspicious."

According to McGlothen, Stavros has been putting more care into his personal appearance ever since meeting Broder.

"Len's definitely been dressing better lately," McGlothen said. "I always tease him on the days he looks especially nice, because I know he's got a 'lunch meeting' with a special somebody. You should see him blush—it's the most adorable thing in the world."

Friends also admire the way Broder is able to keep Stavros in line.

"Len can sometimes be a little inappropriate in social situations, and Mary always puts up with it," Risser said. "Not Amanda. I was at dinner with them recently, and when Len started to recommend a dermatologist to the waiter, who had a little acne, she hit him really hard on the arm. He didn't even finish his sentence. Len needs somebody who'll call him on stuff like that."

Even those who are unaware of Stavros' extramarital affair have noticed a difference in his demeanor.

"Len's been a real joy to be around lately," wife Mary said. "He used to just mope around the house, watching football in his underwear and stuff, but these days, he's a dynamo of activity. He's even started playing racquetball at the gym every Thursday night. I'm not sure what the change is, but whatever he's doing, he should keep it up."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close