New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.

Area Man A Staunch Single-Gender Voter

JOHNSTOWN, PA—Saying it was the only factor he considered when deciding who to cast his ballot for, local man William Swanson, 44, told reporters Thursday he is strictly a single-gender voter.

Weird Relative At Family Reunion Knows How Everyone Related To Each Other

WELDON SPRING, MO—Saying she possessed a seemingly limitless wealth of information on various cousins, step-siblings, and in-laws, sources at the 2016 Webb family reunion this past weekend confirmed that weird relative Susan Amos, 73, exhibited a strikingly intricate knowledge of how everyone was related to each other.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work

SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

Parents Into New Snack Now

BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.
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New Mistress Seems To Be Good For Area Man

KIRKWOOD, MO—Len Stavros, 46, is a whole new man since he began dating new mistress Amanda Broder, sources reported Tuesday.

Stavros with his supportive, nurturing mistress.

"I can't tell you how good Amanda has been for him," friend Robert Risser said. "He's completely changed. He's calmer, friendlier, and just generally more positive about life. I haven't even heard him bitch about his wife in, like, three weeks, and that used to be a daily ritual."

Added Risser: "I haven't seen Len this happy since he was sleeping with that optometrist a few years ago."

Coworkers have noticed a marked improvement in Stavros' mood since he began seeing Broder on the side in August.

"For the last two months, Len has been in unusually high spirits," said Georgia McGlothen, who works with Stavros in the accounting department of Allied Plastics. "I used to dread going to his office for something, because you never knew if you were going to get Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. But, lately, he's been nothing but smiles. I really hope they secretly stay together."

Those close to Stavros say he's even been taking better care of himself.

"For a while there, Len was letting himself go a bit," Risser said. "But last week, my wife asked me if he'd lost weight. When I asked him about it, he said he's been eating better and running two miles every morning before work. He's even hinted at becoming a vegetarian like Amanda, but he's afraid [his wife] Mary might get suspicious."

According to McGlothen, Stavros has been putting more care into his personal appearance ever since meeting Broder.

"Len's definitely been dressing better lately," McGlothen said. "I always tease him on the days he looks especially nice, because I know he's got a 'lunch meeting' with a special somebody. You should see him blush—it's the most adorable thing in the world."

Friends also admire the way Broder is able to keep Stavros in line.

"Len can sometimes be a little inappropriate in social situations, and Mary always puts up with it," Risser said. "Not Amanda. I was at dinner with them recently, and when Len started to recommend a dermatologist to the waiter, who had a little acne, she hit him really hard on the arm. He didn't even finish his sentence. Len needs somebody who'll call him on stuff like that."

Even those who are unaware of Stavros' extramarital affair have noticed a difference in his demeanor.

"Len's been a real joy to be around lately," wife Mary said. "He used to just mope around the house, watching football in his underwear and stuff, but these days, he's a dynamo of activity. He's even started playing racquetball at the gym every Thursday night. I'm not sure what the change is, but whatever he's doing, he should keep it up."


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