New Mobile-Device Purchase Makes Asshole More Versatile

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Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

New Mobile-Device Purchase Makes Asshole More Versatile

NEW YORK—Since acquiring his BlackBerry 8703c mobile device last month, asshole Robert McClain, 29, has reported vastly increased versatility, mobility, and off-site task-reassignment efficiency. The Credit Suisse executive and total shit claimed the new technology has opened more doors and become an absolutely indispensable tool for surviving in the "cut-throat world of high finance."

McClain never lets his personal life get in the way of productivity.

"It's amazing—I can make quicker phone calls, send more e-mails, and surf the web faster than ever, without being tied down to the office," said the prick, who feels "disconnected from the world" if he does not have access to corporate communications for more than four minutes at any time throughout the day or night. "And it's great for managing my schedule. Earlier today I booked a weekend flight to Vegas, set up a squash match with my buddy who works over at McKinsey, and skimmed some of [secretary] Gina [Wallach]'s e-mail requests for maternity leave, all while in line waiting for my wheatgrass shake."

McClain said he "can't imagine" life without his BlackBerry.

"The 8703c is the state of the art in handheld mobile personal electronics," said McClain, who last week upgraded his 42-inch plasma TV to a larger unit and installed a wall-mounted humidor in his Manhattan condo. "It features built-in GPS turn-by-turn directions to any address, which I don't really need since I usually take cabs or limos, but still. Plus, the sleeker, slimmer design allows me to carry it in my breast pocket without ruining the line of my suit."

"And at just $499.99, I figured I should buy a second one to keep at my place in the Hamptons, just in case," said the Princeton grad, who also recently "got a great deal" on a $300 digital picture frame at The Sharper Image which he loaded with photos of himself and various celebrities posing at a variety of New York nightclubs, and displayed it on his desk at work.

To his surprise, McClain has also been making extensive use of the handheld's built-in speakerphone and conference-call capabilities.

"Now I don't have to stop exercising just because I have a conference call to be on," McClain said. "And because of the background noise-reduction filter, the other people on the call wouldn't even know I was doing some heavy cardio if I weren't so out of breath."

McClain, a douchebag, first became familiar with the BlackBerry when they were issued to all members of his group in 2002. After becoming attached to the new technology, he soon found it necessary to purchase his own unit, which he recently upgraded for the sixth time.

His overall versatility has been so improved by the BlackBerry 8703c, in fact, that McClain "can't believe [he] ever made do with a worthless piece of shit like [his previous BlackBerry model] the 7780."

"That old monochrome screen was fucking garbage compared to this bad boy's high-resolution brilliant-color interface, which enables viewing and storage of JPG, GIF, PNG, TIFF, Word, Excel, and Powerpoint files," the unabashed asshole said. "I can pan, zoom, and rotate images—which I plan to do more of soon, if you know what I mean."

"Pictures of women," he added.

McClain said that thanks to the increased range and mobility offered by his BlackBerry, he is now able to assign work to junior analysts "all weekend" while gambling at the $100-minimum blackjack tables in Atlantic City.

The self-satisfied bastard also praised the wireless device's multitasking capabilities. "It's so versatile, you can actually check e-mail while taking a call, which comes in really handy when I want to do something productive, like checking my flight reservations for a weekend in the Dominican Republic, while I'm stuck listening to my parents drone on and on about their health problems."

McClain, who attended a two-day seminar on mergers and acquisitions strategies in Boca Raton last month, maintains the most advantageous element of the BlackBerry 8703c is the way it gives him "a leg up on the competition."

"Knowledge is power, so having instant access to the worldwide information networks gives me the advantage I need," McClain said. "But in business, image matters too. So when people see me with the latest BlackBerry, and then they see [inferior colleague Brad] Tomlinson with his 6200 they recognize right away that I'm on the cutting edge and have the drive to get ahead, while he's stuck in some fucking museum exhibit from 2003."

"What a fucking dipshit that asshole is," McClain added.