adBlockCheck

New Mobile-Device Purchase Makes Asshole More Versatile

Top Headlines

Business

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New Mobile-Device Purchase Makes Asshole More Versatile

NEW YORK—Since acquiring his BlackBerry 8703c mobile device last month, asshole Robert McClain, 29, has reported vastly increased versatility, mobility, and off-site task-reassignment efficiency. The Credit Suisse executive and total shit claimed the new technology has opened more doors and become an absolutely indispensable tool for surviving in the "cut-throat world of high finance."

McClain never lets his personal life get in the way of productivity.

"It's amazing—I can make quicker phone calls, send more e-mails, and surf the web faster than ever, without being tied down to the office," said the prick, who feels "disconnected from the world" if he does not have access to corporate communications for more than four minutes at any time throughout the day or night. "And it's great for managing my schedule. Earlier today I booked a weekend flight to Vegas, set up a squash match with my buddy who works over at McKinsey, and skimmed some of [secretary] Gina [Wallach]'s e-mail requests for maternity leave, all while in line waiting for my wheatgrass shake."

McClain said he "can't imagine" life without his BlackBerry.

"The 8703c is the state of the art in handheld mobile personal electronics," said McClain, who last week upgraded his 42-inch plasma TV to a larger unit and installed a wall-mounted humidor in his Manhattan condo. "It features built-in GPS turn-by-turn directions to any address, which I don't really need since I usually take cabs or limos, but still. Plus, the sleeker, slimmer design allows me to carry it in my breast pocket without ruining the line of my suit."

"And at just $499.99, I figured I should buy a second one to keep at my place in the Hamptons, just in case," said the Princeton grad, who also recently "got a great deal" on a $300 digital picture frame at The Sharper Image which he loaded with photos of himself and various celebrities posing at a variety of New York nightclubs, and displayed it on his desk at work.

To his surprise, McClain has also been making extensive use of the handheld's built-in speakerphone and conference-call capabilities.

"Now I don't have to stop exercising just because I have a conference call to be on," McClain said. "And because of the background noise-reduction filter, the other people on the call wouldn't even know I was doing some heavy cardio if I weren't so out of breath."

McClain, a douchebag, first became familiar with the BlackBerry when they were issued to all members of his group in 2002. After becoming attached to the new technology, he soon found it necessary to purchase his own unit, which he recently upgraded for the sixth time.

His overall versatility has been so improved by the BlackBerry 8703c, in fact, that McClain "can't believe [he] ever made do with a worthless piece of shit like [his previous BlackBerry model] the 7780."

"That old monochrome screen was fucking garbage compared to this bad boy's high-resolution brilliant-color interface, which enables viewing and storage of JPG, GIF, PNG, TIFF, Word, Excel, and Powerpoint files," the unabashed asshole said. "I can pan, zoom, and rotate images—which I plan to do more of soon, if you know what I mean."

"Pictures of women," he added.

McClain said that thanks to the increased range and mobility offered by his BlackBerry, he is now able to assign work to junior analysts "all weekend" while gambling at the $100-minimum blackjack tables in Atlantic City.

The self-satisfied bastard also praised the wireless device's multitasking capabilities. "It's so versatile, you can actually check e-mail while taking a call, which comes in really handy when I want to do something productive, like checking my flight reservations for a weekend in the Dominican Republic, while I'm stuck listening to my parents drone on and on about their health problems."

McClain, who attended a two-day seminar on mergers and acquisitions strategies in Boca Raton last month, maintains the most advantageous element of the BlackBerry 8703c is the way it gives him "a leg up on the competition."

"Knowledge is power, so having instant access to the worldwide information networks gives me the advantage I need," McClain said. "But in business, image matters too. So when people see me with the latest BlackBerry, and then they see [inferior colleague Brad] Tomlinson with his 6200 they recognize right away that I'm on the cutting edge and have the drive to get ahead, while he's stuck in some fucking museum exhibit from 2003."

"What a fucking dipshit that asshole is," McClain added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close