New Mommy A Lot Prettier

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Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...

Fast Food Drive-Thru Just Cow Carcass, Bucket For Money

VENTURA, CA—Calling it the ultimate combination of freshness, value, and convenience, local fast food chain Sunshine Burger announced that, beginning this week, its regular drive-thru windows would be replaced by a cow carcass and a bucket for money...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Disgusting Couple Always Interacting In Public

MINNEAPOLIS—Saying the pair was making everyone nearby feel uncomfortable, onlookers stated Wednesday they were disgusted by local couple Tyler Meacham and Caitlyn Ashford’s habit of interacting in public.

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

Grandson’s Jigsaw Puzzle Strategy Fucking Pathetic

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Calling the 7-year-old’s attempt at fitting together the pieces the most idiotic display he’s witnessed in almost eight decades on earth, local grandfather Harold Randolph told reporters Wednesday that his grandson’s...

Woman Has No Business Being An Extrovert

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Explaining that the character trait does not seem to suit her well, acquaintances of local woman Mary Randolph told reporters Wednesday that the 32-year-old accountant really has no business being an extrovert.

Man Completes Life $130,000 Over Budget

SAN FRANCISCO—Having drastically underestimated the expenses required for such an elaborate production, recently deceased local man Norman Dennison is said to have completed his 84-year life Tuesday approximately $130,000 over budget.
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New Mommy A Lot Prettier

BUTLER, PA–New mommy Alison Leuchter is "a lot prettier," Courtney and Brady Leuchter announced Monday, moments after old mommy Joan Leuchter ordered them to put away the Nintendo and do their homework.

Brady Leuchter (left) says new mommy Alison Leuchter is "so pretty."

"Our new mommy at Daddy's house is so pretty. She has long hair and wears pretty dresses, and she has a tan even when it's snowing out," 9-year-old Brady Leuchter said of his father's former secretary and new wife. "She's so pretty, she could be on TV."

"And our new mommy never makes us turn off the Nintendo," Brady added. "She lets us play all day Saturday, as long as we keep the door shut."

Courtney, 8, had similarly positive things to say about her new mommy.

"Our mommy-mommy is always crying. But our Alison-mommy smiles so much. She giggles whenever Daddy says anything," Courtney said. "And she has lots of pretty gold bracelets and necklaces. Plus, she lets me put on her lipstick, even though my old mommy says I can't wear makeup until I'm older."

Alison, a 28-year-old nursing student at Butler Community College, married John Leuchter, 36, on Jan. 3, three months to the day after his divorce from Joan, also 36, was finalized. The children now live with their mother in a cramped two-bedroom apartment and spend weekends with their father in their spacious former home.

"I'm thrilled to be with John, and I honestly don't even mind his kids at all," Alison said. "In fact, it's kind of fun to have them around the house a couple days a week. But hopefully someday, John and I can have some of our own."

Joan Leuchter

At first, the children didn't like Alison, protesting when she moved her belongings into the bedroom formerly occupied by Joan. But after months of enduring their old mommy's crying jags, their opinion has changed. They say they find their new mommy not only "prettier," but "funner," too.

"Mommy-mommy is always saying she has a headache and we have to quiet down," Brady said. "But our new mommy let us be as loud as we want. She even let us go outside at night to have a screaming contest once. She's the best."

Among the things the children are permitted to do during weekends with their daddy and new mommy: eat Cap'n Crunch for lunch and dinner, ride their bikes in the street, and watch television until 10 p.m. The weekends come as a welcome break from Monday to Friday, when Joan makes them do their homework before playing, help wash dishes after meals, and go to bed no later than 8:30.

In addition, Joan frequently refuses to buy the children new toys and clothes in an effort to "make ends meet."

"Right now, I'm just barely getting by, working two 30-hour-a-week jobs without health insurance," Joan said. "So, unfortunately, I can't buy the kids all the things I'd like to. But hopefully, by the fall, I'll be getting enough hours at one of the jobs to be considered full-time and get full health and dental. That'd save us some money, especially with Brady's asthma medicine, and then maybe we could loosen the belt and buy some nice things."

Even daddy has been nicer since the arrival of the new-and-improved mommy.

"Daddy never used to take us anyplace, because he said our old mommy was boring and didn't like to do anything," Courtney said. "But now we do stuff every weekend. On Saturday, me and daddy and Brady and Alison-mommy are going to the mall to see Snow Day and get ice cream."

"Alison-mommy said if I keep bugging daddy, he'll put a hot tub in the backyard," Courtney added. "She already bought three new swimming suits and even tried them on for us. She looked so pretty in them, like a beautiful model. I love old mommy, but I think I love new mommy even more."

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