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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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New, More Realistic ‘NFL Play 60’ Campaign Encourages Kids To Be Active For 60 Seconds A Week

NEW YORK—Admitting that the previous incarnation of its program may have set unrealistically high expectations for the nation’s youth, the NFL unveiled Thursday its newly downscaled “Play 60” campaign, in which the league is encouraging children to be physically active for 60 seconds per week. “In hindsight, hoping that kids would be able to get out there and move around for an entire hour every single day was wildly optimistic, but we’re hoping that a solid minute of motion every week or so is a bit more attainable,” NFL spokesperson Clare Graff said of the more reasonable health and fitness campaign, which urges children to make an effort to engage in such activities as standing, waddling, and holding a “semi-vertical” pose to whatever extent they are capable. “And keep in mind that those 60 seconds don’t all have to come at once. No need to overdo it. You can split it up into five- or 10-second chunks, and you don’t have to start with a full minute at first. Just, you know, try your best.” Graff added that in an effort to spread word about the revised exercise program, the NFL is planning on airing a new Play 60 commercial featuring a group of panting, red-faced children shifting around on a couch with Green Bay Packers defensive tackle B.J. Raji.

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