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Best of June 2015

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

CHARLESTON, SC—In the hours following a violent rampage in downtown Charleston in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.

Beefy Little Boy On Boogie Board Misses Fourth Wave In A Row

GARDEN CITY, SC—Struggling to propel his husky frame through the water with the correct momentum and timing needed to be carried toward shore, a beefy little boy on a boogie board at Garden City Beach reportedly missed his fourth wave in a row Monday afternoon.

Report: San Francisco To Shut Doors Over Rising Rent

Popular Bay Area City Seeking New Location

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying that staying in its current location was no longer feasible, sources across San Francisco confirmed Thursday that the popular Northern California city would be shutting its doors at the end of the month due to rising rent.
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New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Wristbands allow festivalgoers to return to the empty field after a trip to the parking lot to retrieve more MDMA, mephedrone, 2-DPMP, Benzo Fury, Adderall, or synthetic cannabinoids.
Wristbands allow festivalgoers to return to the empty field after a trip to the parking lot to retrieve more MDMA, mephedrone, 2-DPMP, Benzo Fury, Adderall, or synthetic cannabinoids.

MOUNT STERLING, KY—Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Held on a farm in the foothills of eastern Kentucky, the festival, which continues through Friday and features no live performances of any kind, reportedly offers “something for every type of music lover,” specifically a fenced-off, 300-acre pasture in which to consume a broad array of mind-altering substances.

“We thought it’d be awesome to host a festival that would attract people from all over the country who just want to kick back and ingest narcotics for 96 hours straight,” festival organizer Randy Felder said of the event that takes place on a barren expanse of land with no stages, sound equipment, lighting, art, or vendors. “Cavalcade is all about creating a venue where live music fans can come together, hang out, and do what they love most. Whether you want to toke up, huff, or take a few hits of E, we’ve got you covered.”

“And you couldn’t ask for a better spot,” Felder added. “I mean, it rained pretty hard yesterday, but people didn’t let it bring them down. A lot of them didn’t even seem to notice.”

“I always worry I’ll miss out on something at big festivals like this, because there’s never enough time to do all the drugs.”

Officials reported that while the festival grounds contain no tents or any other form of shelter against the elements, ticket holders nonetheless came out in droves to the vast, otherwise deserted meadow to enjoy a number of big-name drugs, including marijuana, cocaine, and heroin, as well as a wide variety of less well-known substances and up-and-coming hallucinogens such as salvia, ayahuasca, ketamine, and several dozen improvised inhalants.

While most attendees purchased all-inclusive four-day badges for $150, organizers told reporters they also sold $60 day passes to individuals whose schedules or budgets might not allow them to stay fucked up all weekend.

“The way I figure, you gotta stay all four days, especially if you’re dropping a bunch of acid,” said Adam Steely, 24, who road-tripped 14 hours to Cavalcade with several friends whose names and whereabouts he could not recall. “It’s totally worth the price of admission. Things were kind of slow when we first got here—mostly just weed and some people doing whip-its—but things really got cranking once the Molly hit. I heard they’ve got Oxy over by the south entrance, so I’m definitely gonna check that out later.”

“I always worry I’ll miss out on something at big festivals like this, because there’s never enough time to do all the drugs,” Steely continued. “I crashed early last night, and I’m still kicking myself for not being there when the nitrous tanks came out.”

According to Cavalcade organizers, with the support of corporate partners like Vitaminwater, Uber, and Belvedere Vodka, they’re able to offer a comprehensive festival experience, including a roped-off VIP section in the northwest corner of the field where festivalgoers who purchased $250 premium passes can sit in the shade if their heart rate gets too high or help themselves to complimentary vials of Narcan if they’re actively overdosing.

“Everyone says Flakka is going to be the highlight of the festival, so I’m getting pretty pumped for that,” said attendee Meghan Young, 26, standing among a large group of festivalgoers who were dancing, whooping, and bobbing their heads on the east side of the grounds. “Everything’s been great so far. I met these really chill guys from Austin, and we all just sat around and stared at this tree stump for, like, hours and hours. It was the most amazing experience. Plus, I’ve seen some really great musicians today.”

“I still can’t believe Lil Wayne is here,” she added. “He’s been at it for almost 12 hours straight.”


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