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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

New Music Festival Just Large Empty Field To Do Drugs In

Wristbands allow festivalgoers to return to the empty field after a trip to the parking lot to retrieve more MDMA, mephedrone, 2-DPMP, Benzo Fury, Adderall, or synthetic cannabinoids.
Wristbands allow festivalgoers to return to the empty field after a trip to the parking lot to retrieve more MDMA, mephedrone, 2-DPMP, Benzo Fury, Adderall, or synthetic cannabinoids.

MOUNT STERLING, KY—Declaring the event a rousing success so far, organizers confirmed more than 45,000 people turned out Wednesday for the first annual Cavalcade Folk and Roots Festival, a four-day gathering that consists solely of a big empty field to do drugs in.

Held on a farm in the foothills of eastern Kentucky, the festival, which continues through Friday and features no live performances of any kind, reportedly offers “something for every type of music lover,” specifically a fenced-off, 300-acre pasture in which to consume a broad array of mind-altering substances.

“We thought it’d be awesome to host a festival that would attract people from all over the country who just want to kick back and ingest narcotics for 96 hours straight,” festival organizer Randy Felder said of the event that takes place on a barren expanse of land with no stages, sound equipment, lighting, art, or vendors. “Cavalcade is all about creating a venue where live music fans can come together, hang out, and do what they love most. Whether you want to toke up, huff, or take a few hits of E, we’ve got you covered.”

“And you couldn’t ask for a better spot,” Felder added. “I mean, it rained pretty hard yesterday, but people didn’t let it bring them down. A lot of them didn’t even seem to notice.”

“I always worry I’ll miss out on something at big festivals like this, because there’s never enough time to do all the drugs.”

Officials reported that while the festival grounds contain no tents or any other form of shelter against the elements, ticket holders nonetheless came out in droves to the vast, otherwise deserted meadow to enjoy a number of big-name drugs, including marijuana, cocaine, and heroin, as well as a wide variety of less well-known substances and up-and-coming hallucinogens such as salvia, ayahuasca, ketamine, and several dozen improvised inhalants.

While most attendees purchased all-inclusive four-day badges for $150, organizers told reporters they also sold $60 day passes to individuals whose schedules or budgets might not allow them to stay fucked up all weekend.

“The way I figure, you gotta stay all four days, especially if you’re dropping a bunch of acid,” said Adam Steely, 24, who road-tripped 14 hours to Cavalcade with several friends whose names and whereabouts he could not recall. “It’s totally worth the price of admission. Things were kind of slow when we first got here—mostly just weed and some people doing whip-its—but things really got cranking once the Molly hit. I heard they’ve got Oxy over by the south entrance, so I’m definitely gonna check that out later.”

“I always worry I’ll miss out on something at big festivals like this, because there’s never enough time to do all the drugs,” Steely continued. “I crashed early last night, and I’m still kicking myself for not being there when the nitrous tanks came out.”

According to Cavalcade organizers, with the support of corporate partners like Vitaminwater, Uber, and Belvedere Vodka, they’re able to offer a comprehensive festival experience, including a roped-off VIP section in the northwest corner of the field where festivalgoers who purchased $250 premium passes can sit in the shade if their heart rate gets too high or help themselves to complimentary vials of Narcan if they’re actively overdosing.

“Everyone says Flakka is going to be the highlight of the festival, so I’m getting pretty pumped for that,” said attendee Meghan Young, 26, standing among a large group of festivalgoers who were dancing, whooping, and bobbing their heads on the east side of the grounds. “Everything’s been great so far. I met these really chill guys from Austin, and we all just sat around and stared at this tree stump for, like, hours and hours. It was the most amazing experience. Plus, I’ve seen some really great musicians today.”

“I still can’t believe Lil Wayne is here,” she added. “He’s been at it for almost 12 hours straight.”


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