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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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New NASCAR Rules Change Designed To Cut Down On Constant Honking

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—NASCAR's rules committee unveiled a new set of regulations Thursday specifically aimed at reducing the incessant horn-honking heard throughout the Sprint Cup Series. "By penalizing excessive and pointless honks, we'll be cutting out almost 80 percent of the noise pollution from our races," said NASCAR chairman and CEO Brian France, adding that for several years stock-car racing has been losing fans due to the annoying car-horn racket. "Drivers may only honk their horns if a car is in their way or if they get cut off, but they are expressly prohibited from honking when they're just plain frustrated. Not only that, but caution laps run under yellow flags will be strictly honk-free, with violations punishable by a $200 fine." Though the issue was not raised during the offseason, France later implied that NASCAR would take action against drivers who slow down gradually in front of other drivers just to aggravate them.

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