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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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New NASCAR Rules Change Designed To Cut Down On Constant Honking

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—NASCAR's rules committee unveiled a new set of regulations Thursday specifically aimed at reducing the incessant horn-honking heard throughout the Sprint Cup Series. "By penalizing excessive and pointless honks, we'll be cutting out almost 80 percent of the noise pollution from our races," said NASCAR chairman and CEO Brian France, adding that for several years stock-car racing has been losing fans due to the annoying car-horn racket. "Drivers may only honk their horns if a car is in their way or if they get cut off, but they are expressly prohibited from honking when they're just plain frustrated. Not only that, but caution laps run under yellow flags will be strictly honk-free, with violations punishable by a $200 fine." Though the issue was not raised during the offseason, France later implied that NASCAR would take action against drivers who slow down gradually in front of other drivers just to aggravate them.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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