New National Parks Website Makes National Parks Obsolete

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New National Parks Website Makes National Parks Obsolete

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to make America's natural wonders available to all citizens, the Department of the Interior announced Monday the creation of a $2 million National Parks Website.

ParkNet, the new national parks website.

The new website clears the way for the wholesale development of the parks: Next Monday, bulldozers will begin leveling more than 100,000 square miles of pristine, federally protected national parkland, finally making it available for industrial use.

Jack Holm, designer of the website, believes nature lovers will find it superior to the real parks in every way. "You will experience the same grand mountains, lush grass and wide variety of fauna, without ever leaving your home," he said. "And when you spot an animal on your cyber-tour, like a majestic elk, you can click on the elk and access information about its habitat and diet. Elks in the wild do not offer this option."

The website, located at, will feature 72 pixels-per-inch photos of parks and "hyper text" on the parks' histories and wildlife. It will also offer camping options, with which visitors can set up a "virtual campsite" inside a national park and watch a quick-time movie of the setting sun while RealAudio playback of crickets and coyotes runs at 44.1 kilohertz.

"We digitally enhanced actual recordings of coyotes from Arizona's Saguaro National Park," Holm said. "It should sound better than the real thing."

According to National Parks Destruction Chief Lew Hoffson, countless grizzlies, moose and bison will be incinerated when the 750,000-acre Yellowstone National Park is slash-burned to make room for what he says will be the nation's largest factory outlet mall.

"Yellowstone, like the other national parks, has proven to be a huge financial burden to taxpayers, costing more than $200 million a year to maintain," Hoffson said. "The new Yellowstone Factory Shoppes, on the other hand, are privately funded and should be immensely profitable right from the word go. It just makes sense."

The economic advantage of massive, unregulated development of the parks was only one reason for the website move. Safety was also a factor.

"Every year, between 30 to 40 national parks visitors are killed in accidents, ranging from animal attacks to falls off cliffs," Holm said. "The website will be far safer, with the greatest danger posed to visitors being possible neck and back strain from prolonged sitting at the computer station." To avoid such discomfort when visiting the new cyber-parks, Holm strongly advised taking a "stretch break" every 15 to 20 minutes.

Yet another advantage of web-based camping will be the chance for visitors to enjoy interacting with talking, anthropomorphic wildlife, such as PC Puffin, a friendly, wise-cracking aquatic cartoon bird who gives visitors tours of Alaska's Denali National Park. "Non-cyber-parks do not feature puffin-led tours, for in real life animals do not talk," Holm said.

U.S. Parks Department officials said the department is also planning an endangered-species website, enabling people to observe and study rare species on their computers. Once the website is up and running, the actual endangered animals will either be allowed to die out naturally in captivity or be killed off wholesale by poachers.

U.S. Sen. Spencer Abraham (R-MI), who sponsored the legislation, said that he and his family are planning a trip to the National Parks website this July. "We've never been to Yellowstone," he said, "and I understand we'll be able to download a sound effect of hot, splashing water digitally recorded right at Old Faithful. We're very excited."


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close