adBlockCheck

New National Parks Website Makes National Parks Obsolete

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New National Parks Website Makes National Parks Obsolete

WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to make America's natural wonders available to all citizens, the Department of the Interior announced Monday the creation of a $2 million National Parks Website.

ParkNet, the new national parks website.

The new website clears the way for the wholesale development of the parks: Next Monday, bulldozers will begin leveling more than 100,000 square miles of pristine, federally protected national parkland, finally making it available for industrial use.

Jack Holm, designer of the website, believes nature lovers will find it superior to the real parks in every way. "You will experience the same grand mountains, lush grass and wide variety of fauna, without ever leaving your home," he said. "And when you spot an animal on your cyber-tour, like a majestic elk, you can click on the elk and access information about its habitat and diet. Elks in the wild do not offer this option."

The website, located at www.natparks.gov, will feature 72 pixels-per-inch photos of parks and "hyper text" on the parks' histories and wildlife. It will also offer camping options, with which visitors can set up a "virtual campsite" inside a national park and watch a quick-time movie of the setting sun while RealAudio playback of crickets and coyotes runs at 44.1 kilohertz.

"We digitally enhanced actual recordings of coyotes from Arizona's Saguaro National Park," Holm said. "It should sound better than the real thing."

According to National Parks Destruction Chief Lew Hoffson, countless grizzlies, moose and bison will be incinerated when the 750,000-acre Yellowstone National Park is slash-burned to make room for what he says will be the nation's largest factory outlet mall.

"Yellowstone, like the other national parks, has proven to be a huge financial burden to taxpayers, costing more than $200 million a year to maintain," Hoffson said. "The new Yellowstone Factory Shoppes, on the other hand, are privately funded and should be immensely profitable right from the word go. It just makes sense."

The economic advantage of massive, unregulated development of the parks was only one reason for the website move. Safety was also a factor.

"Every year, between 30 to 40 national parks visitors are killed in accidents, ranging from animal attacks to falls off cliffs," Holm said. "The website will be far safer, with the greatest danger posed to visitors being possible neck and back strain from prolonged sitting at the computer station." To avoid such discomfort when visiting the new cyber-parks, Holm strongly advised taking a "stretch break" every 15 to 20 minutes.

Yet another advantage of web-based camping will be the chance for visitors to enjoy interacting with talking, anthropomorphic wildlife, such as PC Puffin, a friendly, wise-cracking aquatic cartoon bird who gives visitors tours of Alaska's Denali National Park. "Non-cyber-parks do not feature puffin-led tours, for in real life animals do not talk," Holm said.

U.S. Parks Department officials said the department is also planning an endangered-species website, enabling people to observe and study rare species on their computers. Once the website is up and running, the actual endangered animals will either be allowed to die out naturally in captivity or be killed off wholesale by poachers.

U.S. Sen. Spencer Abraham (R-MI), who sponsored the legislation, said that he and his family are planning a trip to the National Parks website this July. "We've never been to Yellowstone," he said, "and I understand we'll be able to download a sound effect of hot, splashing water digitally recorded right at Old Faithful. We're very excited."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close