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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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New NBC College Football Poll Gives No. 1 Ranking To 'The Event'

NEW YORK—In its official college football poll for the week of Oct. 4, NBC Sports ranked its new prime-time thriller/suspense series The Event in the top spot over such traditional football powerhouses as Alabama, Florida, and recent popular favorite Boise State. "We respect Ohio State's offense, which is nearly but not quite as riveting as the action and stunning revelations of The Event," analyst Keith Arnold wrote on the NBC Sports website Monday. "And even though there are other top-notch programs out there, none of them matches the week-in, week-out quality of The Event. The Event, Mondays, 9 p.m. Eastern, 8 Central. The Event." Arnold went on to speculate that early Heisman favorites Denard Robinson of Michigan and Andrew Luck of Stanford, while explosive quarterbacks, were perhaps not quite as deserving of the award as the explosive new NBC series The Event.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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