New Neighbor Tested With Beer

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Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

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Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

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SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

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FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

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PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

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YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

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Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

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DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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New Neighbor Tested With Beer

PESHTIGO, WI–Seeking to gauge the personality and character of new next-door neighbor Roger Lundback, Bob Iwanski surreptitiously subjected him to a beer test Monday.

Iwanski awaits the arrival of Lundback (inset) for the beer test.

"You can learn an awful lot about a fella by the way he drinks his beer," said Iwanski, a 16-year-resident of Maple Bluff Road. "And based on what I've seen from Roger, he's a pretty all-right guy."

Iwanski, 52, who administers beer tests to all new male arrivals to Maple Bluff Road, invited Lundback over to share a six-pack of Heineken. He used the seemingly innocuous, welcome-to-the-block gesture as a means of secretly gathering valuable information about the newcomer.

"Roger not only accepted the offer to drink with me, but he held his own, drinking three of the six beers," Iwanski said. "He doesn't put his beer in a glass, so he's not some fancy wine-and-cheese guy, but he also says he's never shotgunned a beer in his life, so he's not a party hound. He still hasn't mentioned anything about having a favorite beer, which makes me suspect he's more of a hard-liquor kind of guy. Nothing wrong with that, though."

Iwanski said he meticulously plans his beer tests, leaving no detail left to chance.

"On a first meeting, I always bring something neutral like Heineken in cans," Iwanski said. "It's an import, so it says 'I care about beer,' but since it's in cans, it says 'I'm no snob.' If you bring anything too fancy or too cheap, it tips the study too far in one direction."

Iwanski said the test also gives him a sense of how the new neighbor will fit into the larger Maple Bluff Road beer-drinking community.

"We're a pretty tight unit, so how a new neighbor responds to an offer of beer goes a long way toward deciding whether he'll become a regular at Sunday-football get-togethers," Iwanski said. "That's why I met Roger one-on-one instead of with Brad [Juergens], Ted [Tabor], and the rest of the gang. Having someone like Ted around could skew the subject's reactions, because he can be a little rough when he's been drinking all afternoon."

According to Iwanski, Lundback has proven he is not a beer snob and is willing to "kick back a few," but it remains to be seen whether he shares Iwanski's deep, abiding passion for beer.

"The other day, I happened to notice that Roger had a refrigerator in his garage–always a good sign," Iwanski said. "But when he opened it, I saw it was full of Bud Light. I figured he must be a namby-pamby light-beer kind of guy, but then he blew my theory clear out of the water when he told me the beer was left over from a bridal shower his wife had thrown. It was a relief, to be sure, but it still raised more questions than it answered."

Determined to learn more about Lundback, Iwanski said he plans to test him in other beer-related situations, including Darts Night at T.J.'s Tavern and a backyard barbecue with the wives. If he passes muster, Iwanski will bring in neighbor Gary Pullman to administer the Guinness/Corona standardized test to answer any remaining questions about Lundback's psychological profile.

"Next time we get together, I may have to bring out the aged 40-year-old brandy or schnapps," Iwanski said. "Sometimes, the way a man carries himself outside of the beer circle tells you the most about the kind of beer drinker he is."

Iwanski said he hopes to conclude the beer test by the end of the month. He then plans to move into Phase Two of his neighbor-evaluation project, closely observing Lundback's reaction to such stimuli as bratwurst, pictures of lingerie models, and conversations about 1960s American muscle cars.

Phase Two is tentatively scheduled for June 3 at Gary's Bowl & Billiards.