adBlockCheck

Recent News

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Nervous-Energy Drink Recreates Feeling Of Waiting For Girl To Call

LOS ANGELES—According to makers of the nervous-energy drink Pace!, the new beverage provides consumers with the same anxiety, restlessness, and self-doubt associated with waiting for a phone call from a much-desired female acquaintance. "Pace! gives you that unique, up-all-night feeling of dissecting every little thing she said last time you saw her," company spokesperson Geraldine Ponzari said at a press conference Monday. "With just the right blend of guarana, ginseng, and caffeine, Pace! will have your heart racing and your hands grabbing for your pockets every time you hear something that even remotely sounds like a ringing cell phone." Ponzari announced that Pace! is also developing a manic-energy drink, which will give consumers the feeling of maxing out their credit cards purchasing 400 snow shovels at Home Depot.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close