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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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New NFL Concussion Test Requires Players To Grunt With Dazed Expression Before Returning To Field

NEW YORK—The NFL unveiled a new concussion test Monday that will require players suspected of suffering a head injury to produce an audible grunting sound and maintain a dazed expression for several consecutive seconds before receiving clearance to return to a game. “With our new concussion protocol, trainers will closely monitor whether a player can stare off into the distance, emit a low, guttural moan, and remain awake for at least two seconds,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that a player would also be authorized to take part in football activities once they showed they could successfully perform physical movements such as dropping to the ground and slowly rolling in the grass while clutching their head. “Fully formed words of any kind, especially a player suggesting that they feel fine, are the best indicator that a player is in no real danger of long-term brain damage and is ready to get back on the field.” Though the new test has received some criticism from a faction of former NFL athletes, league officials were quick to point out that nearly all those retired players have suffered head injuries over the course of their careers and therefore cannot be trusted to act with sound judgment.

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