adBlockCheck

New NFL Concussion Test Requires Players To Grunt With Dazed Expression Before Returning To Field

Top Headlines

Sports

Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

New NFL Concussion Test Requires Players To Grunt With Dazed Expression Before Returning To Field

NEW YORK—The NFL unveiled a new concussion test Monday that will require players suspected of suffering a head injury to produce an audible grunting sound and maintain a dazed expression for several consecutive seconds before receiving clearance to return to a game. “With our new concussion protocol, trainers will closely monitor whether a player can stare off into the distance, emit a low, guttural moan, and remain awake for at least two seconds,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that a player would also be authorized to take part in football activities once they showed they could successfully perform physical movements such as dropping to the ground and slowly rolling in the grass while clutching their head. “Fully formed words of any kind, especially a player suggesting that they feel fine, are the best indicator that a player is in no real danger of long-term brain damage and is ready to get back on the field.” Though the new test has received some criticism from a faction of former NFL athletes, league officials were quick to point out that nearly all those retired players have suffered head injuries over the course of their careers and therefore cannot be trusted to act with sound judgment.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close