adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

New NFL Concussion Test Requires Players To Grunt With Dazed Expression Before Returning To Field

NEW YORK—The NFL unveiled a new concussion test Monday that will require players suspected of suffering a head injury to produce an audible grunting sound and maintain a dazed expression for several consecutive seconds before receiving clearance to return to a game. “With our new concussion protocol, trainers will closely monitor whether a player can stare off into the distance, emit a low, guttural moan, and remain awake for at least two seconds,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that a player would also be authorized to take part in football activities once they showed they could successfully perform physical movements such as dropping to the ground and slowly rolling in the grass while clutching their head. “Fully formed words of any kind, especially a player suggesting that they feel fine, are the best indicator that a player is in no real danger of long-term brain damage and is ready to get back on the field.” Though the new test has received some criticism from a faction of former NFL athletes, league officials were quick to point out that nearly all those retired players have suffered head injuries over the course of their careers and therefore cannot be trusted to act with sound judgment.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close