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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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New NFL Concussion Test Requires Players To Grunt With Dazed Expression Before Returning To Field

NEW YORK—The NFL unveiled a new concussion test Monday that will require players suspected of suffering a head injury to produce an audible grunting sound and maintain a dazed expression for several consecutive seconds before receiving clearance to return to a game. “With our new concussion protocol, trainers will closely monitor whether a player can stare off into the distance, emit a low, guttural moan, and remain awake for at least two seconds,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, adding that a player would also be authorized to take part in football activities once they showed they could successfully perform physical movements such as dropping to the ground and slowly rolling in the grass while clutching their head. “Fully formed words of any kind, especially a player suggesting that they feel fine, are the best indicator that a player is in no real danger of long-term brain damage and is ready to get back on the field.” Though the new test has received some criticism from a faction of former NFL athletes, league officials were quick to point out that nearly all those retired players have suffered head injuries over the course of their careers and therefore cannot be trusted to act with sound judgment.

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