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Sports

Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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New 'NFL Long Snap' Channel Promises To Air Every Single Long Snap On Sundays

NEW YORK—Proclaiming that football fans can now watch “every long snap, every Sunday,” the NFL officially unveiled its new Long Snap game-day television network Sunday. “Featuring every big play from the likes of Jon Condo, Patrick Mannelly, and Tanner Purdum, NFL Long Snap brings you the action every time a ball is snapped 10 to 15 yards for a field goal or punt—live and in high-definition,” read a press release from the league, which also noted that programming will include in-depth analysis from former NFL long snappers David Binn and Mike Schneck. “Fans can watch Greg Warren snapping the ball for an extra point in Pittsburgh and in the very next second be in Carolina as J.J. Jansen snaps on a punt from the Panthers’ 25. If two long snaps are happening at the same time, our new channel will show you both simultaneously on split screens. You’ll never have to worry about missing a long snap ever again.” When reached for comment, an NFL spokesman also confirmed that the league is developing another network to broadcast every touchback from around the league.

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