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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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New 'NFL Long Snap' Channel Promises To Air Every Single Long Snap On Sundays

NEW YORK—Proclaiming that football fans can now watch “every long snap, every Sunday,” the NFL officially unveiled its new Long Snap game-day television network Sunday. “Featuring every big play from the likes of Jon Condo, Patrick Mannelly, and Tanner Purdum, NFL Long Snap brings you the action every time a ball is snapped 10 to 15 yards for a field goal or punt—live and in high-definition,” read a press release from the league, which also noted that programming will include in-depth analysis from former NFL long snappers David Binn and Mike Schneck. “Fans can watch Greg Warren snapping the ball for an extra point in Pittsburgh and in the very next second be in Carolina as J.J. Jansen snaps on a punt from the Panthers’ 25. If two long snaps are happening at the same time, our new channel will show you both simultaneously on split screens. You’ll never have to worry about missing a long snap ever again.” When reached for comment, an NFL spokesman also confirmed that the league is developing another network to broadcast every touchback from around the league.

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