New 'NFL Long Snap' Channel Promises To Air Every Single Long Snap On Sundays

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Vol 48 Issue 42

Romney Blimp Makes Emergency Landing

While flying over Boca Raton, FL yesterday ahead of the final presidential debate, a blimp bearing the likeness of the Republican presidential nominee and the phrase “America Needs Romney” was forced by high winds to make an emergency landing.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs

Chelsea Burns and Robert Jacobs were married at sunset Saturday on a picturesque Hawaiian beach inside Chelsea's head, while the rest of her body was at the actual ceremony near the seventh hole of the golf club Robert's dad belongs to.

Romney Stands Behind Ryan To Show Good Campaigning Stance

COLUMBUS, OH—In order to demonstrate proper campaign posture, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney stood behind running mate Paul Ryan on Saturday and gently guided the younger man’s hips and elbows into an ideal speaking stance, source...
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New 'NFL Long Snap' Channel Promises To Air Every Single Long Snap On Sundays

NEW YORK—Proclaiming that football fans can now watch “every long snap, every Sunday,” the NFL officially unveiled its new Long Snap game-day television network Sunday. “Featuring every big play from the likes of Jon Condo, Patrick Mannelly, and Tanner Purdum, NFL Long Snap brings you the action every time a ball is snapped 10 to 15 yards for a field goal or punt—live and in high-definition,” read a press release from the league, which also noted that programming will include in-depth analysis from former NFL long snappers David Binn and Mike Schneck. “Fans can watch Greg Warren snapping the ball for an extra point in Pittsburgh and in the very next second be in Carolina as J.J. Jansen snaps on a punt from the Panthers’ 25. If two long snaps are happening at the same time, our new channel will show you both simultaneously on split screens. You’ll never have to worry about missing a long snap ever again.” When reached for comment, an NFL spokesman also confirmed that the league is developing another network to broadcast every touchback from around the league.

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