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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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New NFL Rule Will Force Players To Have One Of Three Appropriate Haircuts

NEW YORK—Hoping to address the issue of long hair obscuring players' names and numbers, NFL owners passed a new rule wherein players would be restricted to one of three league-approved hairstyles. "People don't come to games to watch tufts of hair make tackles and score touchdowns; they come to watch the colorful uniforms do it," said 49ers coach Mike Nolan of the new rule, which will limit players to No. 2 grade buzz cuts, No. 1 grade "high-and-tight" cuts, and Johnny Unitas-style flattops. "These three haircuts embody the class, dignity, and discipline that has always been associated with NFL football players. Frankly, I thought three was too many; buzz cuts hint at a sense of individuality that has absolutely no place in football." NFL owners will next vote on a rule proposal that would strike names from players' uniforms, contracts, and birth certificates.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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