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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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New NHL Promotion Allows Fans To Watch Game While Frozen Underneath Ice

NEW YORK—Promising to provide an exciting up-close and frigid viewing experience, the NHL unveiled a new promotion Thursday offering fans the chance to watch games while frozen underneath the arena ice. “Throughout the month of March, fans in all 30 NHL cities will have the opportunity to sit just inches away from all the heart-pounding hockey action taking place directly above them on the ice,” said NHL vice president of marketing Brian Jennings, adding that, as part of the promotion, paying customers must arrive five hours before the faceoff in order to lie down atop the concrete slab before a layer of ice is installed on all sides of their bodies. “General seating will be available between both blue lines, while premium ticket-holders can be frozen in place right in the heart of the attacking zone. Whether it’s bone-crushing checks or clutch saves, fans can catch it all at 16 degrees Fahrenheit.” Jennings added that the NHL strongly encourages all participants to wait to regain feeling in their extremities before attempting to drive home after the game.

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