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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.
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New NHL Promotion Allows Fans To Watch Game While Frozen Underneath Ice

NEW YORK—Promising to provide an exciting up-close and frigid viewing experience, the NHL unveiled a new promotion Thursday offering fans the chance to watch games while frozen underneath the arena ice. “Throughout the month of March, fans in all 30 NHL cities will have the opportunity to sit just inches away from all the heart-pounding hockey action taking place directly above them on the ice,” said NHL vice president of marketing Brian Jennings, adding that, as part of the promotion, paying customers must arrive five hours before the faceoff in order to lie down atop the concrete slab before a layer of ice is installed on all sides of their bodies. “General seating will be available between both blue lines, while premium ticket-holders can be frozen in place right in the heart of the attacking zone. Whether it’s bone-crushing checks or clutch saves, fans can catch it all at 16 degrees Fahrenheit.” Jennings added that the NHL strongly encourages all participants to wait to regain feeling in their extremities before attempting to drive home after the game.

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