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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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New NHL Promotion Allows Fans To Watch Game While Frozen Underneath Ice

NEW YORK—Promising to provide an exciting up-close and frigid viewing experience, the NHL unveiled a new promotion Thursday offering fans the chance to watch games while frozen underneath the arena ice. “Throughout the month of March, fans in all 30 NHL cities will have the opportunity to sit just inches away from all the heart-pounding hockey action taking place directly above them on the ice,” said NHL vice president of marketing Brian Jennings, adding that, as part of the promotion, paying customers must arrive five hours before the faceoff in order to lie down atop the concrete slab before a layer of ice is installed on all sides of their bodies. “General seating will be available between both blue lines, while premium ticket-holders can be frozen in place right in the heart of the attacking zone. Whether it’s bone-crushing checks or clutch saves, fans can catch it all at 16 degrees Fahrenheit.” Jennings added that the NHL strongly encourages all participants to wait to regain feeling in their extremities before attempting to drive home after the game.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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