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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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New Nolan Ryan Cookbook Features Over 200 Recipes For Baseballs

NEW YORK—Little, Brown and Company announced Monday the forthcoming publication of The Nolan Ryan Baseball Cookbook, a collection of recipes from MLB’s all-time strikeout leader that will include Down-the-Middle Meatballs, Slow-Cooked Pulled Fouls, Nolan’s Famous Cheese Casserole, and more than 200 other “finger-licking” dishes made from regulation baseballs. “There’s nothing better on a summer afternoon than throwing a few ground balls on the grill and cooking up some flame-broiled sliders,” read an excerpt from the first-ballot Hall of Famer’s cookbook, which will reportedly feature chapters on properly cutting a baseball, on techniques for dry and wet rubs, and on mixing the perfect screwball cocktail. “You’re going to want to put a bat or two on your grill and shut the lid to really smoke them right in there. And be sure to put on your mitt when you take them out, because those baseballs are going to reach high heat.” According to Ryan, the cookbook is a natural extension of his popular Fastballs Grille, which has been serving marinated, slow-roasted spitball kabobs at Rangers Ballpark since 2008.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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