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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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New Nolan Ryan Cookbook Features Over 200 Recipes For Baseballs

NEW YORK—Little, Brown and Company announced Monday the forthcoming publication of The Nolan Ryan Baseball Cookbook, a collection of recipes from MLB’s all-time strikeout leader that will include Down-the-Middle Meatballs, Slow-Cooked Pulled Fouls, Nolan’s Famous Cheese Casserole, and more than 200 other “finger-licking” dishes made from regulation baseballs. “There’s nothing better on a summer afternoon than throwing a few ground balls on the grill and cooking up some flame-broiled sliders,” read an excerpt from the first-ballot Hall of Famer’s cookbook, which will reportedly feature chapters on properly cutting a baseball, on techniques for dry and wet rubs, and on mixing the perfect screwball cocktail. “You’re going to want to put a bat or two on your grill and shut the lid to really smoke them right in there. And be sure to put on your mitt when you take them out, because those baseballs are going to reach high heat.” According to Ryan, the cookbook is a natural extension of his popular Fastballs Grille, which has been serving marinated, slow-roasted spitball kabobs at Rangers Ballpark since 2008.

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