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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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New Nolan Ryan Cookbook Features Over 200 Recipes For Baseballs

NEW YORK—Little, Brown and Company announced Monday the forthcoming publication of The Nolan Ryan Baseball Cookbook, a collection of recipes from MLB’s all-time strikeout leader that will include Down-the-Middle Meatballs, Slow-Cooked Pulled Fouls, Nolan’s Famous Cheese Casserole, and more than 200 other “finger-licking” dishes made from regulation baseballs. “There’s nothing better on a summer afternoon than throwing a few ground balls on the grill and cooking up some flame-broiled sliders,” read an excerpt from the first-ballot Hall of Famer’s cookbook, which will reportedly feature chapters on properly cutting a baseball, on techniques for dry and wet rubs, and on mixing the perfect screwball cocktail. “You’re going to want to put a bat or two on your grill and shut the lid to really smoke them right in there. And be sure to put on your mitt when you take them out, because those baseballs are going to reach high heat.” According to Ryan, the cookbook is a natural extension of his popular Fastballs Grille, which has been serving marinated, slow-roasted spitball kabobs at Rangers Ballpark since 2008.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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