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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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New Obesity Drug Delicious

CHICAGO—Following the FDA’s approval of the prescription obesity medication Pryvexa earlier this week, users of the recently released weight management pill have confirmed that it is absolutely delicious. “They’re so good, I’ve been eating them like nonstop,” said Roland Holmes, 46, one of the thousands of overweight users who reported being able to pop full bottles of the phentermine-based pill every day. “I try to cut myself off, but they’re just too tasty. I like to mix them in with my milkshakes or with a handful of my diabetes medication.” In the wake of the drug’s immediate popularity, the FDA has reportedly been forced to announce an individual limit of six bottles of Pryvexa per day.

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