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Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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New OmniGrain Cheerios Made With Every Existing Grain On Earth

MINNEAPOLIS—Touting the product’s health benefits and lightly sweetened flavor, General Mills unveiled Wednesday its new OmniGrain Cheerios, which are made with every known grain on earth. “Our new OmniGrain Cheerios feature the delicious, nutritious taste of 337,000 different whole grains gathered from every biome on the planet,” said company spokeswoman Karen Elston, noting that General Mills spent over 10 years locating, cataloging, and then harvesting grains on every continent, including several now-extinct varieties that were extracted from amber and permafrost. “Whether starting off your morning or enjoying an afternoon or late-night snack, you’ll love the rich texture provided by OmniGrain Cheerios’ distinctive blend of every single type of grain in existence, from the commonplace Australian barley to the previously undocumented Southern blue quinoa, which was recorded by the ancient Inca but was only recently rediscovered by our Cheerios harvest team when scouring the high slopes of Huayna Picchu.” According to Elston, General Mills is also currently developing a new line of Yoplait Ultrabiotic yogurt that consists solely of billions of live bacteria with no dairy product.


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