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Politics

Report: Saxophone Still An Okay Vehicle For Self-Expression

While declaring that the musical instrument was by no means ideally suited to the task, a report released by the National Endowment for the Arts Thursday concluded that the saxophone nevertheless remains a fairly decent vehicle for expressing one’s ...

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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New Online Voting System Allows Millions Of Masturbators To Take Part In Democracy

WASHINGTON—A joint venture between the Federal Election Commission and Votenet Solutions has made it possible for millions of masturbators who would otherwise stay home and jerk off on Nov. 2 to cast their ballots in the 2010 midterm election. "There is a huge bloc of voters out there—about 45 percent of U.S. citizens—who have been denied a role in the electoral process simply because they would prefer to remain in the comfort of their bedrooms and watch videos of Latina twins taking it in the ass," FEC commissioner Steven T. Walther told reporters Monday. "Now, all Americans can ejaculate into a tissue, or sock, or what-ever they happen to have nearby with one hand, while exercising their God-given right to vote for the candidate of their choice with the other." Polls indicate that because of the new service, Tea Party candidate Rand Paul is likely to win the U.S. Senate race in Kentucky by a landslide.

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