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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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New Online Voting System Allows Millions Of Masturbators To Take Part In Democracy

WASHINGTON—A joint venture between the Federal Election Commission and Votenet Solutions has made it possible for millions of masturbators who would otherwise stay home and jerk off on Nov. 2 to cast their ballots in the 2010 midterm election. "There is a huge bloc of voters out there—about 45 percent of U.S. citizens—who have been denied a role in the electoral process simply because they would prefer to remain in the comfort of their bedrooms and watch videos of Latina twins taking it in the ass," FEC commissioner Steven T. Walther told reporters Monday. "Now, all Americans can ejaculate into a tissue, or sock, or what-ever they happen to have nearby with one hand, while exercising their God-given right to vote for the candidate of their choice with the other." Polls indicate that because of the new service, Tea Party candidate Rand Paul is likely to win the U.S. Senate race in Kentucky by a landslide.

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