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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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New Online Voting System Allows Millions Of Masturbators To Take Part In Democracy

WASHINGTON—A joint venture between the Federal Election Commission and Votenet Solutions has made it possible for millions of masturbators who would otherwise stay home and jerk off on Nov. 2 to cast their ballots in the 2010 midterm election. "There is a huge bloc of voters out there—about 45 percent of U.S. citizens—who have been denied a role in the electoral process simply because they would prefer to remain in the comfort of their bedrooms and watch videos of Latina twins taking it in the ass," FEC commissioner Steven T. Walther told reporters Monday. "Now, all Americans can ejaculate into a tissue, or sock, or what-ever they happen to have nearby with one hand, while exercising their God-given right to vote for the candidate of their choice with the other." Polls indicate that because of the new service, Tea Party candidate Rand Paul is likely to win the U.S. Senate race in Kentucky by a landslide.

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