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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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New Orleans Saints Relocated To Help Heal Utah

NEW ORLEANS—In light of the much-needed inspiration, heightened morale, and sense of community the hurricane-ravaged city of New Orleans experienced during the Saints' 2006-07 season, the NFL has decided to move the team to Utah, where recent mining disasters have left residents emotionally devastated. "Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, Coach Payton—your success on the field has given a beleaguered city reason to hope," the NFL's relocation directive read in part. "But now, six terrified men—men trapped 1,500 feet underground, and, for all we know, dead—need the inspiration of knowing that their hometown team is laying it all on the line for them." The Saints say they will comply with the request as soon as the city receives the $2.2 billion in federal aid it was promised in 2005, enabling more than 300,000 city residents and Saints fans currently living out of state to begin returning to their homes.

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