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New Orleans Saints Relocated To Help Heal Utah

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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New Orleans Saints Relocated To Help Heal Utah

NEW ORLEANS—In light of the much-needed inspiration, heightened morale, and sense of community the hurricane-ravaged city of New Orleans experienced during the Saints' 2006-07 season, the NFL has decided to move the team to Utah, where recent mining disasters have left residents emotionally devastated. "Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, Coach Payton—your success on the field has given a beleaguered city reason to hope," the NFL's relocation directive read in part. "But now, six terrified men—men trapped 1,500 feet underground, and, for all we know, dead—need the inspiration of knowing that their hometown team is laying it all on the line for them." The Saints say they will comply with the request as soon as the city receives the $2.2 billion in federal aid it was promised in 2005, enabling more than 300,000 city residents and Saints fans currently living out of state to begin returning to their homes.

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