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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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New Orleans Saints Relocated To Help Heal Utah

NEW ORLEANS—In light of the much-needed inspiration, heightened morale, and sense of community the hurricane-ravaged city of New Orleans experienced during the Saints' 2006-07 season, the NFL has decided to move the team to Utah, where recent mining disasters have left residents emotionally devastated. "Drew Brees, Reggie Bush, Coach Payton—your success on the field has given a beleaguered city reason to hope," the NFL's relocation directive read in part. "But now, six terrified men—men trapped 1,500 feet underground, and, for all we know, dead—need the inspiration of knowing that their hometown team is laying it all on the line for them." The Saints say they will comply with the request as soon as the city receives the $2.2 billion in federal aid it was promised in 2005, enabling more than 300,000 city residents and Saints fans currently living out of state to begin returning to their homes.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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