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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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New Orleans Struck By Meteorite

NEW ORLEANS—A tractor-trailer-sized meteorite struck downtown New Orleans late Monday night with comparable force to that of a small nuclear device. "The impact caused floodwaters in the area to vaporize, scalding everything in a four-mile radius with radioactive steam," said Claude Wyncoll of the U.S. Naval Observatory. "Burning debris shot into the troposphere, then rained down across the Gulf Coast, causing property damage and countless casualties as far away as Gulfport [MS]." FEMA and National Guard personnel are unable to enter the city, as the lava flow resulting from the meteorite's deep penetration of the Earth's crust has blocked all routes.

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