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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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New Pain-Inducing Advil Created For People Who Just Want To Feel Something, Anything

PHILADELPHIA—Wyeth Pharmaceuticals unveiled a new pain-causing line of Advil this week that will help millions of benumbed, hollow consumers to feel at least somewhat alive for up to four hours.

An ad for the new temporarily-life-affirming product.

"Advil Release delivers a soothing burst of pain when cold and listless Americans need it most," Wyeth CEO Bernard J. Poussot said during a press conference Monday. "Just two capsules can deliver all-day relief in the form of searing, life-affirming agony; the kind of agony Advil users trust when being a pale specter of humanity adrift in a meaningless and uncaring universe is just not an option anymore."

According to Poussot, the new drug works by delivering a powerful stimulant straight to the brain's pain center, causing an intense stinging sensation all over the body. If taken regularly, the deadening futility of day-to-day life will be temporarily washed away in a flood of blessed and cleansing torment.

"Two fast-acting, long-lasting Advil Release taken three times a day are recommended for anyone who is convinced he or she will never laugh or cry again," Poussot said. "Teenagers who see no difference between being dead or alive, nor why it makes a difference either way, may require twice the suggested dosage."

Continued Poussot, "Those wishing to never again suffer through another numb, flat day devoid of even the basic components of humanness are advised to take an entire bottle of Advil Release along with a quart of gin."

A nationwide advertising campaign for the new medication is slated to begin next week. In the first of two 30-second TV spots, a woman is shown walking outside on a winter's day and coming upon a puppy that has frozen to death. As she stares unblinkingly at the small, frail carcass, a disembodied announcer tells viewers: "Don't spend another day unable to shed a single tear for the eternal tragedy that is existence. Embrace the pain. Advil pain. It's the only thing that's real."

Public reaction to the new medication has been generally positive. Millions of emotionally dulled people across the nation have scrambled for the opportunity, any opportunity, to temporarily escape from mechanically lurching through unfeeling day after unfeeling day after unfeeling day after unfeeling day.

"This new Advil has really—oh, God, the sublime suffering," said 27-year-old copy center employee Nathan Tillson of Roanoke, VA, tears welling up in his eyes. "Sweet Jesus, I haven't closed off. I can still feel."

"Gah," Tillson added before doubling over on the floor and openly sobbing for the first time in as long as he could remember.

Other pharmaceutical companies have also begun marketing their own brands of over- the-counter medications that will help the emotionally anesthetized feel briefly alive. The makers of NyQuil are reportedly developing a new product they describe as "the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, aching, screaming, crying, writhing, so you can possibly—for the love of God—experience some sense of normalcy medicine," and Johnson & Johnson recently released a new line of Tylenol Maximum Suffering, the active ingredient of which is thumbtacks.

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