New Parents Desperately Seeking Other New Parents For Socializing

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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

North American Children Begin Summer Migration To Dad’s

NEW YORK—With the increasingly warm weather signaling the commencement of their age-old journey, millions of children across the North American continent began their annual summer migration to their fathers’ homes this week, sources confirmed.

Parents Worried Children Old Enough To Remember Family Vacation

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Fearing that their kids’ impressions of the experience could quite possibly remain with them for the rest of their lives, parents Joel and Bethany Weyandt told reporters Tuesday they are worried their children are old enough to remember the details of their recent family vacation.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...
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New Parents Desperately Seeking Other New Parents For Socializing

BETHESDA, MD–New parents David and Diane Huber, both 28, remain locked in a desperate search for other parents with whom they can talk exclusively about children, child-rearing, and their beautiful eight-month-old son Tyler, sources said Monday.

David and Diane Huber with son Tyler at age three months.

Despite a few tentative signs of progress–including the discovery of a new-parent Internet bulletin board, a brief conversation with a new father in their pediatrician's waiting room, and a possible get-together with Marc and Allison Wofford, new parents they met through their pastor's aunt–the Hubers' quest has been slow going.

"I really liked Rob and Kim, didn't you?" Diane asked David, referring to a couple the Hubers cornered near the swingsets at a Bethesda-area park upon spotting them with a stroller. Absent-mindedly musing as she folded tiny pieces of cloth, Diane added, "We really should get together with them sometime. It seems like we have a lot in common." Diane knows nothing about the couple that is not baby-related.

"We should all go out to dinner," David replied. "Although, maybe it would be easier just to have them over to the house for dinner, because I'm still not all that comfortable with the whole babysitter thing."

David and Diane then concluded that it would be great if the other couple, whose last name they failed to obtain, brought over their baby, too.

Friends and neighbors see no end in sight for the Hubers' quest, which has produced few viable candidates for new-parent socializing due to the lack of other new parents in their extended social circle.

"David used to go bowling every Sunday night with the league at Bumper's Bar and Grill," said onetime friend Carl Henkins. "We always got along real well because we both like boats. Plus, I'm a big Philadelphia Eagles fan, and David went to college in Philly. But now, the few times he comes down to bowl, it's always, 'When Tyler was born, he weighed almost as much as this bowling ball,' or, 'Speaking of shoe rental, you should see the booties we bought Tyler last week' or some other such nonsense."

"I mean, come on, I've got a five-year-old girl myself," Henkins said. "But that doesn't mean I can't keep my bowling life and my family life separate."

The primary cause of the Hubers' inability to relate to their former friends, David said, lies in their friends' unwillingness to talk exclusively about parenting.

"Ever since the baby arrived, my old buddies have been acting really weird around me," said David, warming a bottle of formula. "Like, just the other day, I met Jason [Niering] for a game of racquetball, which I hardly ever have time for anymore. When I got there, I started telling him how Tyler had been lying on his back that morning, grabbing his ankles and swinging his legs up over his head, and how it was noteworthy because neither Diane nor I had ever seen him do that particular move before."

After pausing for approximately four minutes to remove a messy diaper, clean Tyler's soiled backside, find a Wet-Nap, apply lotion, put on a fresh diaper, and return to warming the now-cold bottle, Huber continued: "So, anyway, I'm not more than four or five minutes into the story when all of a sudden, Jason says, 'What does this have to do with anything? Will you serve, already?' Totally out of the blue. I mean, what provoked that outburst?"

Henkins and Niering are not the only friends from whom Huber has "grown apart."

"Me and Tony [Lake] used to hang out all the time because we were both into cars," Huber said. "Now it's just not the same. Every time we get together, it seems like all he ever talks about is cars."

Diane has noticed an increased distance from her old friends, as well. Over the past several months, she has frequently remarked that none of them seem to share her interests anymore. The lack of conversation with others her own age, Diane said, has made her feel lonely at times.

"What with all the work I have to do taking care of Tyler, I'd sure like to spend some time with other adults every now and again," Diane recently told her mother, in between anecdotes about Tyler, during a long-distance phone call. "I'm a well-rounded person, and I have lots of interests: like where the best public schools in the area are, when is the right time to introduce pets into the home, what is the best way to set up a college fund, the whole issue of immunizations–you name it."

As pathetic and self-deluding as it may seem, the Hubers' plight, experts say, is actually quite common.

"It is not unusual for the parents of a new baby to feel terrible isolation, as the demands of parenting force them to spend less and less time with friends," said noted family therapist Dr. Eli Wasserbaum. "Yet it is possible to cope with these changes. All the Hubers need is to find someone–pretty much anyone with a pulse, really–they can spend a little time with away from the baby, yet with whom they can talk about nothing but the baby for hours on end, without making the other person feel like tearing his or her hair out and screaming. That's all."

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