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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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New Parents Wisely Start College Fund That Will Pay For 12 Weeks Of Education

TRENTON, NJ—In an effort to plan for their newborn daughter’s future, local parents Jonathan and Kate Bradbury have shrewdly begun investing in a college fund that will pay for an estimated 12 weeks of their child’s education, the couple confirmed Wednesday. “As soon as Ashley was born, we started putting aside a little money each week just to make sure that when the time comes, we’ll almost be able to cover her first semester of freshman year,” Kate Bradbury told reporters of the plan that will help offset nearly three months of room and board, the most basic meal plan, and four total textbooks. “It’s just a small amount out of our paychecks, but it adds up. And it’s worth it to have the ease of mind that comes from knowing that, after inflation, we’ll be able to cover barely 9 percent of our little girl’s tuition as long as she takes the minimum course load and doesn’t do too many activities.” Bradbury added that she knew all of the scrimping and saving would ultimately pay off when she finally sees her college-educated daughter land a three-month unpaid internship.

After Birth

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