adBlockCheck

Personal Finance

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Study Finds 68% Of Americans Unprepared For Sudden Financial Stability

AMES, IA—Noting that most Americans never consider the possibility that such life-altering circumstances could ever befall them, a study published Monday by researchers at Iowa State University revealed that 68 percent of citizens are wholly unprepared for a sudden bout of financial stability.

30-Year-Old Factors In Birthday Money

MEDFORD, OR—While calculating his budget Wednesday, Ben Hollis, a 30-year-old man, carefully factored in the birthday money he’ll receive next month as a way to offset a number of expenses, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News

Personal Finance

New Parents Wisely Start College Fund That Will Pay For 12 Weeks Of Education

TRENTON, NJ—In an effort to plan for their newborn daughter’s future, local parents Jonathan and Kate Bradbury have shrewdly begun investing in a college fund that will pay for an estimated 12 weeks of their child’s education, the couple confirmed Wednesday. “As soon as Ashley was born, we started putting aside a little money each week just to make sure that when the time comes, we’ll almost be able to cover her first semester of freshman year,” Kate Bradbury told reporters of the plan that will help offset nearly three months of room and board, the most basic meal plan, and four total textbooks. “It’s just a small amount out of our paychecks, but it adds up. And it’s worth it to have the ease of mind that comes from knowing that, after inflation, we’ll be able to cover barely 9 percent of our little girl’s tuition as long as she takes the minimum course load and doesn’t do too many activities.” Bradbury added that she knew all of the scrimping and saving would ultimately pay off when she finally sees her college-educated daughter land a three-month unpaid internship.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close