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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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New Pfizer Breakthrough Miraculously Extends Lifespan Of Near-Death Patents

NEW YORK—Hailing it as a groundbreaking discovery with far-ranging benefits, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced a new breakthrough Friday that vastly extends the lifespan of near-death patents. “Ensuring that every one of these patents lives a long and fruitful life is our highest priority, and we’re committed to doing everything in our power to make sure they survive,” said Pfizer spokeswoman Ellen Hilty, noting that the drug manufacturer with more than $50 billion in annual revenues had assembled elite teams of experts and dedicated years of intense work to finding a way to prolong the lives of dying patents. “At Pfizer, patents always come first. Our primary goal is, and always will be, keeping them alive and healthy for as long as possible. And that’s why we couldn’t be happier to announce this wonderful development.” Hilty added that nothing causes Pfizer officials more distress than seeing a once robust patent expire at a young age, a “terrible tragedy” that allows dozens of generic manufacturers to copy it and offer pharmaceuticals to customers far more cheaply.

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