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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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New Pfizer Breakthrough Miraculously Extends Lifespan Of Near-Death Patents

NEW YORK—Hailing it as a groundbreaking discovery with far-ranging benefits, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced a new breakthrough Friday that vastly extends the lifespan of near-death patents. “Ensuring that every one of these patents lives a long and fruitful life is our highest priority, and we’re committed to doing everything in our power to make sure they survive,” said Pfizer spokeswoman Ellen Hilty, noting that the drug manufacturer with more than $50 billion in annual revenues had assembled elite teams of experts and dedicated years of intense work to finding a way to prolong the lives of dying patents. “At Pfizer, patents always come first. Our primary goal is, and always will be, keeping them alive and healthy for as long as possible. And that’s why we couldn’t be happier to announce this wonderful development.” Hilty added that nothing causes Pfizer officials more distress than seeing a once robust patent expire at a young age, a “terrible tragedy” that allows dozens of generic manufacturers to copy it and offer pharmaceuticals to customers far more cheaply.

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