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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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New 'Phone Book' Raising Serious Privacy Issues

PALO ALTO, CA—Alarmed by the "ever-shrinking security and rights of individuals in the information age," the Palo Alto-based group Citizens For Privacy is calling for strict controls to be placed on "phone books"—printed directories of all the telephone numbers in a specified area. "With this new piece of technology," CFP head Nadine Geary said, "anyone could know your phone number in literally seconds." Exacerbating the situation, Geary said, is the fact that, in many cases, the subject’s address is also printed right next to the number. "If this device is allowed to be distributed,” Geary said, "literally anyone would be able to track you down at any time. It’s frightening."

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