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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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New Pixar Employees Required To Watch Adorable Sexual Harassment Video

EMERYVILLE, CA—According to sources within Pixar Studios, all new employees were required Monday to view an adorable eight-minute animated short about sexual harassment that featured Luxo, the company's iconic hopping desk lamp, and a slinking mustachioed glove known as Fingers. "Through the delightful misadventures of Fingers, our employees learn what types of behavior are and are not acceptable in the workplace," said human resources administrator Lydia Price, referring to a scene in which Fingers rubs up against Luxo, repeatedly flicks her light switch on and off, and cups her bulb inappropriately. "And thanks to Pixar's stunning visuals and heartwarming storylines, our sexual harassment film can be enjoyed by adults and children alike." While most new hires gave the video a positive review, they were less enthusiastic about the company's 401(k)-allocation buddy film, Matchy & Roth.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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