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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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New Plastic Surgery Technique Makes 40-Year-Old Women Look Like Really-Weird-Looking 38-Year-Olds

TAMPA, FL—The American Association of Cosmetic and Plastic Surgeons announced Tuesday the approval of a groundbreaking new technique that will allow an otherwise normal 40-year-old woman to gain the appearance of an incredibly strange-looking waxen-faced woman two years her junior. "New understandings of dermal elasticity and tissue-ironing allow us to subtract dozens of months from a woman's apparent age while simultaneously turning her face into something bizarre and haunting," a press release from the AACPS read in part. "Now women can finally look like a grotesque simulacrum of the age they feel." The AACPS confirmed that its member surgeons would also continue their practice of making human breasts resemble chest-borne hazardous- chemical storage tanks.

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