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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.
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New Plastic Surgery Technique Makes 40-Year-Old Women Look Like Really-Weird-Looking 38-Year-Olds

TAMPA, FL—The American Association of Cosmetic and Plastic Surgeons announced Tuesday the approval of a groundbreaking new technique that will allow an otherwise normal 40-year-old woman to gain the appearance of an incredibly strange-looking waxen-faced woman two years her junior. "New understandings of dermal elasticity and tissue-ironing allow us to subtract dozens of months from a woman's apparent age while simultaneously turning her face into something bizarre and haunting," a press release from the AACPS read in part. "Now women can finally look like a grotesque simulacrum of the age they feel." The AACPS confirmed that its member surgeons would also continue their practice of making human breasts resemble chest-borne hazardous- chemical storage tanks.

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