adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.
End Of Section
  • More News

New Plastic Surgery Technique Makes 40-Year-Old Women Look Like Really-Weird-Looking 38-Year-Olds

TAMPA, FL—The American Association of Cosmetic and Plastic Surgeons announced Tuesday the approval of a groundbreaking new technique that will allow an otherwise normal 40-year-old woman to gain the appearance of an incredibly strange-looking waxen-faced woman two years her junior. "New understandings of dermal elasticity and tissue-ironing allow us to subtract dozens of months from a woman's apparent age while simultaneously turning her face into something bizarre and haunting," a press release from the AACPS read in part. "Now women can finally look like a grotesque simulacrum of the age they feel." The AACPS confirmed that its member surgeons would also continue their practice of making human breasts resemble chest-borne hazardous- chemical storage tanks.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close