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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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New Poll Finds Most NFL Players Still Not Ready To Date Gay Teammate

NEW YORK—Providing further evidence of the hesitancy in professional sports to accept homosexual athletes as equals, a new poll published Thursday revealed that more than 97 percent of NFL players are still not ready to date a gay teammate. “Throughout the league there’s a lot of archaic attitudes toward homosexuality, and I’m just not sure NFL players are comfortable enough to enter a monogamous relationship with a gay teammate,” said an anonymous player who felt that a steady dating situation with a homosexual teammate wouldn’t be worth the distractions in the locker room. “I think most players would be open to a one-night stand with a gay teammate, but I really can’t see them tolerating a long-term homosexual relationship.” The poll also revealed that 50 percent of active players would prefer not to know the sexual orientation of a teammate they were fucking.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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