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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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New Porno Worth Checking Out Even For People Who Aren’t Familiar With 5 Guys Jerking Off On Single Pair Of Tits

LOS ANGELES—Adult film fans have praised the newly released Batter Splatter 9, calling the 43-minute pornographic DVD accessible even to people who aren't previously acquainted with five guys jerking off on a single set of tits. "There's something in this movie for everyone, whether you already know something about five men of varying ethnicity repeatedly ejaculating upon the breasts of a young woman, or whether you're a first-time viewer," pornography enthusiast Rick Baineman said Thursday, stressing that the film did not contain any overly esoteric references or jargon-filled dialogue familiar only to longtime devotees. "The first two minutes might be a little confusing to the uninitiated, but once the guys start unzipping their jeans and forming a semicircle, you get brought up to speed pretty quickly." Baineman added that while the film can be enjoyed on multiple levels, those already familiar with pulling out at the last second and climaxing on a woman's face might get more out of it.

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