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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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New Porno Worth Checking Out Even For People Who Aren’t Familiar With 5 Guys Jerking Off On Single Pair Of Tits

LOS ANGELES—Adult film fans have praised the newly released Batter Splatter 9, calling the 43-minute pornographic DVD accessible even to people who aren't previously acquainted with five guys jerking off on a single set of tits. "There's something in this movie for everyone, whether you already know something about five men of varying ethnicity repeatedly ejaculating upon the breasts of a young woman, or whether you're a first-time viewer," pornography enthusiast Rick Baineman said Thursday, stressing that the film did not contain any overly esoteric references or jargon-filled dialogue familiar only to longtime devotees. "The first two minutes might be a little confusing to the uninitiated, but once the guys start unzipping their jeans and forming a semicircle, you get brought up to speed pretty quickly." Baineman added that while the film can be enjoyed on multiple levels, those already familiar with pulling out at the last second and climaxing on a woman's face might get more out of it.

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