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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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New Prescription Fish Tank Eliminates Need For Glasses While Looking At Fish

SAGINAW, MI—Executives at Poseidon Aquatic Enclosures announced Monday the launch of a new line of made-to-order fish tanks that can be outfitted with customers' individual vision prescriptions. "How many times have you misplaced your eyeglasses yet still wanted to look at your fish?" company spokesperson Ian Barnes said of the new corrective tanks, which are available in sizes up to 100 gallons. "Never again with the new IchthyOptic System. Whether you have a slight astigmatism or need a bifocal tank to simultaneously look at your tiny gobies and large plecostomus, Poseidon can provide you with a crystal-clear fish-viewing solution." Barnes said the company is also developing a line of fish tanks that will incorporate Transitions-brand automatic tinting technology, which will eliminate glare when looking at fish outside on sunny days.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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