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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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New Prescription Fish Tank Eliminates Need For Glasses While Looking At Fish

SAGINAW, MI—Executives at Poseidon Aquatic Enclosures announced Monday the launch of a new line of made-to-order fish tanks that can be outfitted with customers' individual vision prescriptions. "How many times have you misplaced your eyeglasses yet still wanted to look at your fish?" company spokesperson Ian Barnes said of the new corrective tanks, which are available in sizes up to 100 gallons. "Never again with the new IchthyOptic System. Whether you have a slight astigmatism or need a bifocal tank to simultaneously look at your tiny gobies and large plecostomus, Poseidon can provide you with a crystal-clear fish-viewing solution." Barnes said the company is also developing a line of fish tanks that will incorporate Transitions-brand automatic tinting technology, which will eliminate glare when looking at fish outside on sunny days.

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