adBlockCheck

New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious

Top Headlines

Business

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

New Prescription-Only Sandwich Extra Delicious

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, drug giant Pfizer formally introduced Hoagizine, a pharmaceutical-grade Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt so delicious, it's only available by prescription.

A pharmacist in Long Beach, CA explains the possible side effects of Hoagizine.

"Made with lean white turkey breast, hickory-smoked bacon, zesty guacamole, Boston leaf lettuce, and ripe tomatoes on crusty French bread, Hoagizine is indicated in the treatment of lunchtime satisfaction dysfunction," said Stephen Spencer, Pfizer's head of research and product development. "But Hoagizine is only available after consultation with a physician, so be sure to ask your doctor if this new sandwich is right for you."

The extra-potent sandwich passed rigorous testing in both branches of the FDA in February. In clinical trials, 96 percent of patients who administered the sandwich orally experienced a deliciousness they described as "heightened," "intense," or even "overwhelming." In the same trial, only 16 percent of those who received placebo sandwiches reported experiencing high levels of deliciousness.

In preparation for Monday's announcement, Pfizer produced 800,000 units of the oral sandwich and distributed them to pharmacies nationwide. Additionally, Pfizer personnel sent out samples of Hoagizine and educated physicians on patient-screening procedures, treatment regimens, and serving suggestions.

"This sandwich is extremely effective in the treatment of severe acute and chronic hunger," Pfizer spokesman Abdul Johnson said. "For consumers who find that their regular sandwich is no longer effectively reducing pangs, the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt represents a good treatment option."

Johnson said Pfizer may soon offer an even more potent version of the sandwich, Hoagizine CM, which contains 10 grams of chipotle mayonnaise.

Consumer interest in the new Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt is high. Physicians filled thousands of sandwich prescriptions within 24 hours after it was made available.

"I guess I'm not the only one who finds regular sandwiches ineffective," said Rock Falls, ID resident Lois Baird, as she sat in her physician's waiting room. "Frankly, I'd just about given up on bread-and-meat treatments, but if this sandwich is going to help me eat a better, tastier lunch, I want it."

Baird added: "I just hope it's okay to mix Hoagizine with the broad-spectrum soup I currently take at noon."

Although most insurance companies cover prescriptions for the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt, many physicians recommend that their patients stick to over-the-lunch-counter sandwiches.

A doctor's order for the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt.

"Hoagizine is a powerfully delicious sandwich," said Dr. Erin O'Malley, chief nutritionist at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. "And there's the problem: It's overkill. Commercially available, high-quality sandwiches are delicious enough for 95 percent of the patients I see. Additionally, those patients who do actually require the extra zest and deliciousness of this medical-grade melt run the risk of becoming addicted to its scrumptious flavor. I consider the sandwich to be an emergency lunch option, for use only when everything on the menu looks so blah that it threatens to ruin your entire day."

Pfizer officials said the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt comes with some warnings, but that it poses few health risks and, for the most part, is made of all-natural ingredients. Those who are overweight, diabetic, or allergic to wheat or dairy, or have a history of heart disease are urged to seek medical counseling before ordering the melt, and women who are pregnant may require a second dose of Hoagizine.

In Pfizer's lab tests, common side effects of the sandwich included a bloated or drowsy feeling, thirst, and a heightened desire for a side order of chips. If discomfort occurs, patients are urged to temporarily discontinue use of the Turkey-Bacon-Guacamole Melt and lie down on the couch.

"Side effects are certainly within the parameters established for commercially available lunch items," Spencer said. "The one thing we're concerned with is that, with regular use, the bacon and the guacamole could precipitate high cholesterol levels in some patients. But, hey, if your cholesterol does get a little high, that's why we make Lipitor."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close