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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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New Preventative Drug Would Kill People Before They Get Alzheimer's

SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling it the single greatest breakthrough to date in Alzheimer's research, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Monday the approval of Proneva, a new medication that prevents the degenerative brain disorder by killing individuals before its onset. "Clinical trials have shown that a single dose of Proneva can end the lives of patients who otherwise would have developed a serious and life-threatening illness," said FDA spokeswoman Sandy Walsh, explaining that in a recent study Proneva successfully prevented Alzheimer's in 87 of 87 people who were administered the drug. "For the millions of Americans who already suffer from this disease or have shown early signs of dementia, we recommend commencing treatment as soon as possible." According to Walsh, preliminary research also suggests Proneva may be equally effective at preventing cancer, AIDS, and heart attacks.

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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

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