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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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New Preventative Drug Would Kill People Before They Get Alzheimer's

SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling it the single greatest breakthrough to date in Alzheimer's research, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Monday the approval of Proneva, a new medication that prevents the degenerative brain disorder by killing individuals before its onset. "Clinical trials have shown that a single dose of Proneva can end the lives of patients who otherwise would have developed a serious and life-threatening illness," said FDA spokeswoman Sandy Walsh, explaining that in a recent study Proneva successfully prevented Alzheimer's in 87 of 87 people who were administered the drug. "For the millions of Americans who already suffer from this disease or have shown early signs of dementia, we recommend commencing treatment as soon as possible." According to Walsh, preliminary research also suggests Proneva may be equally effective at preventing cancer, AIDS, and heart attacks.

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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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