New Preventative Drug Would Kill People Before They Get Alzheimer's

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Vol 48 Issue 23

The Northernmost Corner Of Your Room

Let this quiet 14-by-14-foot alcove be your sweet respite from the pile of work on your bed, the unsorted receipts on your desk, and the closet full of clothes that haven't fit you since November!

The Dunham Group

PBS 11:00 a.m. EDT/10:00 a.m. CDT Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham discusses the week's political developments with panelists Peanut, Bubba J, Achmed the Dead Terrorist, and Pat Buchanan.

Governor Too Embarrassed To Say Which State He Leads

WASHINGTON—According to event attendees, after numerous failed attempts to steer the subject away from his occupation, an American governor in town for a fundraiser Thursday at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts finally acknowledged he was t...

Nurse Jackie

Showtime 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT To cover up accidentally killing a patient while high on Percocet, Nurse Jackie gets canceled.

Earthquake Late-Warning System Goes Off In Haiti

Ann Romney says her husband has a deeply principled side no one ever sees in public, physicists discover that our universe is the fictional setting of a cop show called "Hard Case," and an area man leaves a father-daughter dance with a different...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Pop Culture

New Preventative Drug Would Kill People Before They Get Alzheimer's

SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling it the single greatest breakthrough to date in Alzheimer's research, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Monday the approval of Proneva, a new medication that prevents the degenerative brain disorder by killing individuals before its onset. "Clinical trials have shown that a single dose of Proneva can end the lives of patients who otherwise would have developed a serious and life-threatening illness," said FDA spokeswoman Sandy Walsh, explaining that in a recent study Proneva successfully prevented Alzheimer's in 87 of 87 people who were administered the drug. "For the millions of Americans who already suffer from this disease or have shown early signs of dementia, we recommend commencing treatment as soon as possible." According to Walsh, preliminary research also suggests Proneva may be equally effective at preventing cancer, AIDS, and heart attacks.

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