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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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New Pro Football Hall Of Fame Exhibit Allows Visitors To Experience Concussion

CANTON, OH—In an effort to provide visitors a truly immersive look at the life of an NFL player, the Pro Football Hall of Fame reportedly unveiled a new exhibit Wednesday that allows museum patrons to experience the effects of suffering a concussion on the field of play. “This interactive display gives our guests the unique opportunity to see what it feels like to sustain a real traumatic brain injury as if they were actually being crushed into the turf,” Hall of Fame executive director Stephen Perry said of the newly installed exhibit, in which museum guests insert their head and neck into a tightly fitted box that is then abruptly jolted in order to simulate a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit from a 250-pound linebacker. “We have gone to great lengths to ensure that the entire concussion experience produces the real physical, cognitive, and emotional symptoms resulting from violent head trauma. And we believe our guests will find the entire process—from the moment their vision goes dark to their years and years of ensuing headaches, memory loss, and unpredictable mood swings—utterly fascinating.” Perry noted that immediately following the moment of impact, the Hall of Fame’s staff administers a cursory physical examination in which they determine that the recent concussion isn’t anything serious, after which the visitor’s head goes right back into the box.

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