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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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New Pro Football Hall Of Fame Exhibit Allows Visitors To Experience Concussion

CANTON, OH—In an effort to provide visitors a truly immersive look at the life of an NFL player, the Pro Football Hall of Fame reportedly unveiled a new exhibit Wednesday that allows museum patrons to experience the effects of suffering a concussion on the field of play. “This interactive display gives our guests the unique opportunity to see what it feels like to sustain a real traumatic brain injury as if they were actually being crushed into the turf,” Hall of Fame executive director Stephen Perry said of the newly installed exhibit, in which museum guests insert their head and neck into a tightly fitted box that is then abruptly jolted in order to simulate a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit from a 250-pound linebacker. “We have gone to great lengths to ensure that the entire concussion experience produces the real physical, cognitive, and emotional symptoms resulting from violent head trauma. And we believe our guests will find the entire process—from the moment their vision goes dark to their years and years of ensuing headaches, memory loss, and unpredictable mood swings—utterly fascinating.” Perry noted that immediately following the moment of impact, the Hall of Fame’s staff administers a cursory physical examination in which they determine that the recent concussion isn’t anything serious, after which the visitor’s head goes right back into the box.

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