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Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.

KFC, Midas Team Up For Much-Anticipated Crossover Meal

LOUISVILLE, KY—Saying the new product brings together the best that two of America’s most trusted brands have to offer, fast food giant KFC and automotive service chain Midas introduced their long-awaited crossover meal, the Road Bucket, this ...

Corporate America Shaken By Death Of Longtime Consumer

CHARLESTON, SC—Expressing shock and an immense sense of grief, numerous high-ranking figures across corporate America were reportedly left shaken Friday after learning of the sudden death of longtime consumer Arthur Henderson. Executives within the ...

Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...

Moronic Mailroom Worker Worked Way Down From CEO

NEW YORK—Marveling at just how far he has plummeted since taking charge of the company 18 years ago, moronic former CEO Douglas Kellerman regaled reporters Tuesday with the discouraging story of how he worked his way down to the mailroom of MetroCom...

Bank Of America Introduces New $50 Underdraft Fee

CHARLOTTE, NC—Saying the penalty will cover the costs incurred by the financial institution whenever a customer makes a withdrawal that results in a positive account balance, Bank of America introduced a new $50 underdraft fee Tuesday on all checkin...

Startup Very Casual About Dress Code, Benefits

AUSTIN, TX—Touting the business’s laid-back, nontraditional corporate culture, Go-Go Maps founder and CEO Mike Hannasch explained to reporters Thursday that his company is pretty casual when it comes to employees’ dress code and benefits...
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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

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New Product Available

Americans were finally given another outlet for their discretionary-income spending Tuesday, when it was announced that a new consumer-product item is available for retail purchase.

The TapTeaser

The TapTeaser, a specially designed styling tool that doubles your hair's volume without damage, is in stores and can be purchased for the suggested retail price of $9.99.

"This is a very exciting time to be a consumer," said Nancy Wopat, a Santa Cruz, CA, mother of four and self-described "shopaholic." "Everyone loves acquiring top-quality brand-name material goods, whether for the home, the office or the yard. And now that a new product has finally hit the shelves, you can bet I'll be picking up one for my household right away."

"I can't wait to purchase this exciting new product," she added.

As seen on TV, the TapTeaser contains not only two revolutionary styling combs with double-hooked teeth to double hair's volume without damage, but also an informative how-to styling video and a helpful, easy-to-follow pamphlet filled with a wide variety of styling and accessorizing ideas.

"My fellow Americans, I am proud to salute the creators of the TapTeaser for having the courage and vision to make available a new product in this country," Vice-President Gore said Tuesday at a special ceremony honoring the TapTeaser. "It is indeed a sign of our nation's continued economic vitality and strength that a brand-new consumer product is being manufactured, distributed and made available for purchase in retail outlets nationwide. I would urge all of you to support these bold visionaries in their efforts to bring the American people bigger, bolder, more beautiful hair."

The new styling tool is reportedly not only a great buy, but can actually save consumers money in the long run, giving them that expensive $30 salon look in just minutes. This is due to the TapTeaser's unique two-tiered system: The green Volumizing Tool gives medium-to-fine hair a fuller, more teased look, and the lavender Bodifying Tool works on thick hair to create a full, spiked effect.

"This revolutionary dual hairstyling technology," said Cambridge University physics professor Dr. Wallace Beckford, "can make even drab, nine-to-five hair come vibrantly alive at night."

According to retailers, nothing tops the TapTeaser when it comes to being buyable.

"If you wanted to buy something, this is totally something you could buy," said Gary Elia, manager of a Dallas-area Walgreens. "We've got a bunch of them over in aisle three next to the Sobakawa pillows and the 'Magik-Wisk' Flexible Telescoping Ionized Dusting Rods."

The TapTeaser is expected to appeal primarily to two types of people: those who want to give their flat, lifeless hair double the volume in just seconds, and those who enjoy purchasing things they don't already own.

"I can't wait to spend a portion of my disposable income on this fantastic new material good," said Reno, NV, homemaker Joanne Kraft. "Just think–my hair will be fuller, healthier and more glamorous... the TapTeaser way!"

Retail-industry experts predict robust sales for the TapTeaser among other demographic groups, as well, confident that consumers of all stripes will respond to the product's message of "thing to buy." According to Emil Horace, editor of the trade magazine RetailWeek, even those consumers who don't want a TapTeaser can still enjoy the thrill of spending money on one.

"The vast majority of Americans are totally uninterested in volumizing and bodifying their hair," Horace said. "This will not significantly hurt TapTeaser sales, however, as this product does not need to be used in order to be bought. Even though relatively few consumers will be motivated to actually use the TapTeaser, we are confident that millions of people will nonetheless buy it before opting not to use it."

Though the TapTeaser is available in stores nationwide, consumers say another big advantage is that it can also be purchased over the telephone while watching television.

"It's great, because not only do you get the fun of TV, but you get this great new product, too," said Dover, DE, consumer Ken Giancuso, who recently ordered the TapTeaser when he saw an ad for it during a Silk Stalkings episode. "You get to copy down the number, you get to press the buttons on the phone, and you even get to talk to the operator lady when you give the number off your card. It's a little adventure, kind of like going on a fun boat ride."

"Plus, if you eat while you watch and dial," Giancuso added, "you get the TV and the product, and you get food, too."

Tallahassee, FL, consumer Helen Kolodiczek was similarly excited about the breakthrough hair-volumizer. "I already bought all the other things, so I'm glad they finally came out with something new to buy," she said. "Now I can buy myself a whole other thing."

"I enjoy buying new things," Kolodiczek said. "I hope there will be another new thing to buy real soon."

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