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Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Never-Before-Heard Buzzword Flying Around Office Can’t Be Good

‘Our Focus Is On Platforming,’ Executives Repeat

BROOKLYN, NY—Speculating that it could refer to some aspect of their website or possibly the sales or advertising department, employees at Convergence Media said Thursday that the word “platforming,” which executives have reportedly used numerous times over the past few weeks, can’t be good.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...
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New Product Available

Americans were finally given another outlet for their discretionary-income spending Tuesday, when it was announced that a new consumer-product item is available for retail purchase.

The TapTeaser

The TapTeaser, a specially designed styling tool that doubles your hair's volume without damage, is in stores and can be purchased for the suggested retail price of $9.99.

"This is a very exciting time to be a consumer," said Nancy Wopat, a Santa Cruz, CA, mother of four and self-described "shopaholic." "Everyone loves acquiring top-quality brand-name material goods, whether for the home, the office or the yard. And now that a new product has finally hit the shelves, you can bet I'll be picking up one for my household right away."

"I can't wait to purchase this exciting new product," she added.

As seen on TV, the TapTeaser contains not only two revolutionary styling combs with double-hooked teeth to double hair's volume without damage, but also an informative how-to styling video and a helpful, easy-to-follow pamphlet filled with a wide variety of styling and accessorizing ideas.

"My fellow Americans, I am proud to salute the creators of the TapTeaser for having the courage and vision to make available a new product in this country," Vice-President Gore said Tuesday at a special ceremony honoring the TapTeaser. "It is indeed a sign of our nation's continued economic vitality and strength that a brand-new consumer product is being manufactured, distributed and made available for purchase in retail outlets nationwide. I would urge all of you to support these bold visionaries in their efforts to bring the American people bigger, bolder, more beautiful hair."

The new styling tool is reportedly not only a great buy, but can actually save consumers money in the long run, giving them that expensive $30 salon look in just minutes. This is due to the TapTeaser's unique two-tiered system: The green Volumizing Tool gives medium-to-fine hair a fuller, more teased look, and the lavender Bodifying Tool works on thick hair to create a full, spiked effect.

"This revolutionary dual hairstyling technology," said Cambridge University physics professor Dr. Wallace Beckford, "can make even drab, nine-to-five hair come vibrantly alive at night."

According to retailers, nothing tops the TapTeaser when it comes to being buyable.

"If you wanted to buy something, this is totally something you could buy," said Gary Elia, manager of a Dallas-area Walgreens. "We've got a bunch of them over in aisle three next to the Sobakawa pillows and the 'Magik-Wisk' Flexible Telescoping Ionized Dusting Rods."

The TapTeaser is expected to appeal primarily to two types of people: those who want to give their flat, lifeless hair double the volume in just seconds, and those who enjoy purchasing things they don't already own.

"I can't wait to spend a portion of my disposable income on this fantastic new material good," said Reno, NV, homemaker Joanne Kraft. "Just think–my hair will be fuller, healthier and more glamorous... the TapTeaser way!"

Retail-industry experts predict robust sales for the TapTeaser among other demographic groups, as well, confident that consumers of all stripes will respond to the product's message of "thing to buy." According to Emil Horace, editor of the trade magazine RetailWeek, even those consumers who don't want a TapTeaser can still enjoy the thrill of spending money on one.

"The vast majority of Americans are totally uninterested in volumizing and bodifying their hair," Horace said. "This will not significantly hurt TapTeaser sales, however, as this product does not need to be used in order to be bought. Even though relatively few consumers will be motivated to actually use the TapTeaser, we are confident that millions of people will nonetheless buy it before opting not to use it."

Though the TapTeaser is available in stores nationwide, consumers say another big advantage is that it can also be purchased over the telephone while watching television.

"It's great, because not only do you get the fun of TV, but you get this great new product, too," said Dover, DE, consumer Ken Giancuso, who recently ordered the TapTeaser when he saw an ad for it during a Silk Stalkings episode. "You get to copy down the number, you get to press the buttons on the phone, and you even get to talk to the operator lady when you give the number off your card. It's a little adventure, kind of like going on a fun boat ride."

"Plus, if you eat while you watch and dial," Giancuso added, "you get the TV and the product, and you get food, too."

Tallahassee, FL, consumer Helen Kolodiczek was similarly excited about the breakthrough hair-volumizer. "I already bought all the other things, so I'm glad they finally came out with something new to buy," she said. "Now I can buy myself a whole other thing."

"I enjoy buying new things," Kolodiczek said. "I hope there will be another new thing to buy real soon."