New Product Available

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Big-Box Stores Vs. Small Businesses

While massive superstores like Walmart and Target have dominated the retail landscape for years, many shoppers are rejecting them in favor of smaller, locally owned shops. Here is a side-by-side comparison of the two options:
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New Product Available

Americans were finally given another outlet for their discretionary-income spending Tuesday, when it was announced that a new consumer-product item is available for retail purchase.

The TapTeaser

The TapTeaser, a specially designed styling tool that doubles your hair's volume without damage, is in stores and can be purchased for the suggested retail price of $9.99.

"This is a very exciting time to be a consumer," said Nancy Wopat, a Santa Cruz, CA, mother of four and self-described "shopaholic." "Everyone loves acquiring top-quality brand-name material goods, whether for the home, the office or the yard. And now that a new product has finally hit the shelves, you can bet I'll be picking up one for my household right away."

"I can't wait to purchase this exciting new product," she added.

As seen on TV, the TapTeaser contains not only two revolutionary styling combs with double-hooked teeth to double hair's volume without damage, but also an informative how-to styling video and a helpful, easy-to-follow pamphlet filled with a wide variety of styling and accessorizing ideas.

"My fellow Americans, I am proud to salute the creators of the TapTeaser for having the courage and vision to make available a new product in this country," Vice-President Gore said Tuesday at a special ceremony honoring the TapTeaser. "It is indeed a sign of our nation's continued economic vitality and strength that a brand-new consumer product is being manufactured, distributed and made available for purchase in retail outlets nationwide. I would urge all of you to support these bold visionaries in their efforts to bring the American people bigger, bolder, more beautiful hair."

The new styling tool is reportedly not only a great buy, but can actually save consumers money in the long run, giving them that expensive $30 salon look in just minutes. This is due to the TapTeaser's unique two-tiered system: The green Volumizing Tool gives medium-to-fine hair a fuller, more teased look, and the lavender Bodifying Tool works on thick hair to create a full, spiked effect.

"This revolutionary dual hairstyling technology," said Cambridge University physics professor Dr. Wallace Beckford, "can make even drab, nine-to-five hair come vibrantly alive at night."

According to retailers, nothing tops the TapTeaser when it comes to being buyable.

"If you wanted to buy something, this is totally something you could buy," said Gary Elia, manager of a Dallas-area Walgreens. "We've got a bunch of them over in aisle three next to the Sobakawa pillows and the 'Magik-Wisk' Flexible Telescoping Ionized Dusting Rods."

The TapTeaser is expected to appeal primarily to two types of people: those who want to give their flat, lifeless hair double the volume in just seconds, and those who enjoy purchasing things they don't already own.

"I can't wait to spend a portion of my disposable income on this fantastic new material good," said Reno, NV, homemaker Joanne Kraft. "Just think–my hair will be fuller, healthier and more glamorous... the TapTeaser way!"

Retail-industry experts predict robust sales for the TapTeaser among other demographic groups, as well, confident that consumers of all stripes will respond to the product's message of "thing to buy." According to Emil Horace, editor of the trade magazine RetailWeek, even those consumers who don't want a TapTeaser can still enjoy the thrill of spending money on one.

"The vast majority of Americans are totally uninterested in volumizing and bodifying their hair," Horace said. "This will not significantly hurt TapTeaser sales, however, as this product does not need to be used in order to be bought. Even though relatively few consumers will be motivated to actually use the TapTeaser, we are confident that millions of people will nonetheless buy it before opting not to use it."

Though the TapTeaser is available in stores nationwide, consumers say another big advantage is that it can also be purchased over the telephone while watching television.

"It's great, because not only do you get the fun of TV, but you get this great new product, too," said Dover, DE, consumer Ken Giancuso, who recently ordered the TapTeaser when he saw an ad for it during a Silk Stalkings episode. "You get to copy down the number, you get to press the buttons on the phone, and you even get to talk to the operator lady when you give the number off your card. It's a little adventure, kind of like going on a fun boat ride."

"Plus, if you eat while you watch and dial," Giancuso added, "you get the TV and the product, and you get food, too."

Tallahassee, FL, consumer Helen Kolodiczek was similarly excited about the breakthrough hair-volumizer. "I already bought all the other things, so I'm glad they finally came out with something new to buy," she said. "Now I can buy myself a whole other thing."

"I enjoy buying new things," Kolodiczek said. "I hope there will be another new thing to buy real soon."


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