New Product Can Do All That, More

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Vol 43 Issue 50

Sources: George Clooney Looking Good

HOLLYWOOD—Clooney, whose steely gaze has captivated millions around the globe, has attained the highest possible scores in every known measure of attractiveness.

Ike Turner Dead

Rock and roll pioneer Ike Turner died on Wednesday at 76. What do you think?

LeBron James

Onion Sports turns its critical eye on the NBA's freakishly talented manchild.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Customer Service

New Product Can Do All That, More

MODESTO, CA—According to late-night television sources, a revolutionary new product that can do all of the tasks of several clunky, space-wasting devices that cost twice as much, is currently available for just three easy payments of $29.95. "It does the work of 15 similar items in half the time and with none of the mess," said an unidentified, enthusiastic man, who explained that by ordering in the next half hour, callers would receive a second, identical space-age product at no additional cost. "And after all that abuse, it still works on a tomato!" Buyers will reportedly be able to return the not-available-in-stores product for a full refund after a 30-day trial period if they are not completely satisfied with the firmness and definition of their abs
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