New Product Can Do All That, More

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

New Product Can Do All That, More

MODESTO, CA—According to late-night television sources, a revolutionary new product that can do all of the tasks of several clunky, space-wasting devices that cost twice as much, is currently available for just three easy payments of $29.95. "It does the work of 15 similar items in half the time and with none of the mess," said an unidentified, enthusiastic man, who explained that by ordering in the next half hour, callers would receive a second, identical space-age product at no additional cost. "And after all that abuse, it still works on a tomato!" Buyers will reportedly be able to return the not-available-in-stores product for a full refund after a 30-day trial period if they are not completely satisfied with the firmness and definition of their abs